A-Z of Seasons: Part 2

How was that then?! I hope you enjoyed the first part of the A-Z of seasons. And if you didn't, well.. shit.. lighten up a bit!! Now for the second part...

'N' is for Neige

That would be the French for snow. Not as important word as you may think for a group of people living in the mountains during winter. However, the British have taken it upon themselves to integrate this word into their vocab. “It's neiging!” and “Where the fuck is the neige?!” are now common phrases amongst seasonaires. It's all about learning the local lingo you see...

If this isn't a thing in your local resort, get with the times and make it so.

Now that's what you call neige...

'O' is for Onesie

This one was a tough call. It was either 'off-piste' or 'onesie' and in the end the latter prevailed, because let's be honest, who the hell doesn't like a onesie. There are the old French dudes that rock the '80s style on the slopes – complete with headband and bumbag, through to the modern types that rock Willerfinders (seriously, check them out, they're cool!).

Never forget though… Onesies Wednesdays are a thing. You should always take part where possible.

All about the onesie...

'P' is for Piste

These are the nicely grooved, corduroy looking, freshly bashed, motorway looking things that snake their way down the mountain. Some resorts have hundreds of them, whereas others… not so much. They're graded from green to black.

Green Runs tend to be flat and for beginners. Blue Runs are a little steeper and full of ski schools (ideal for 'ski school slalom'). Red Runs are for those of you that are more advanced and want to hurtle down the mountain faster than your average avalanche and Black Runs… well you either have to be pretty good, pretty stupid or pretty naive. Some of the Black Runs I've come across are both awesome and shit scary at the same time.

'Q' is for Queues

You hate them in the normal world, you'll hate them out here as well. Not only do they take up your precious time whilst waiting to get back up the mountain, but they provide the perfect environment for your inner rage to develop. Especially when it comes to the holiday periods. Try standing in a queue for 15 minutes whilst listening to some ernest shite-bag talking about how they are trying to make sure that Little Timmy gets the best training he can to push forward to the British Ski Team… Yeah? You're from Surrey and Little Timmy has two left feet. Fuck Off.

You'll also develop excellent pole skills. As in, you'll be able to subtly hint to people that you enjoy your personal space and that's not the snow that they're standing on, but your skis. Seriously, people standing on your skis will drive you psychopathic.

'R' is for Reindeer

If the chalet/ apartment you are stopping in doesn't have at least one picture of a reindeer in it, well, the interior designer/ owner isn't doing their job properly.

The more, the better. Preferably not just pictures as well… Statues, heads mounted on the wall, keyrings for the room keys, paintings, prints, door-knockers. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that the greater the amount of reindeer tat in your chalet, the classier it is as an establishment.

How about a picture of a painting of a reindeer...

'S' is for Skiers

Yes, I know this is an obvious and boring slot, but we had one for boarders so it's only fair that we have one for skiers. Plus, y'know, we're cooler.

We started off the whole, “let's go down the mountain strapped to bits of wood” and then continued it from there. Yes, boarders came along and showed us what could be done with the whole mountain and tricks, etc. But then we got smart. We took that attitude and technology and produced big powder, all mountain skiing and then rocked it out in the park. Check out any video with Candide Thovex and you'll see what I mean. If you have time, I thoroughly suggest watching 'Few Words'. Great ski film.

'T' is for Tartiflette

A friend of mine once told me (before I started seasons) about 'Tartiflette Tuesdays'. I think they should be a thing. Like, once a month. Not every week – that'd be far too much, but a monthly thing would probably work.

If you don't know, it's a dish you find in the Alps – potato, cheese, lardons and onions. Great shout for the end of a ski day. Ridiculously fattening if not eaten at the end of a ski day.

'U' is for Uniform

Thought you'd given them up at the end of your school days?! Think again. Issued to you on your first day in the Alps, you'll lose items and gain items in equal amounts. You'll be issued all types of branded clothing for all types of occasions. Seriously, some operators are about one brainstorming, board meeting away from issuing you with company fancy dress.

It won't fit you, will come in some god-awful colours and you'll hate it with a passion. You'll be grateful for it though when you end up trashing it through the course of the season. Thankful that it's not your clothes that you are messing up.

'V' is for Vacuum

Your mum will say you've never seen one and don't know how to operate one. By the end of the season you will be a master of the cleaning machine. You will be able to vacuum a 16 bed chalet in less than 20 minutes. You will have perfected the art of looking like Freddie Mercury when guests come back into the chalet whilst you are mid-clean. You will have developed the advanced technique of furniture lifting with one arm, whilst hoovering under with the other. And, last but by no means least… you still won't have a clue as to how to empty the bastard.

'W' is for White-Out

Possibly the single worst thing to happen on the mountain (aside from being caught in an avalanche). It's the moment when you can't tell the difference between the sky and the mountain. You will end up skiing from piste-marker to piste-marker, slower than you ever thought possible.

However, your delightful brain will play tricks on you. You might be stood still and you'll think that you're still heading down the mountain, or the complete reverse may occur. Your eyes will do some weird, crazy shit and the only way that I can describe it is that it feels like you've opened your eyes when swimming underwater – you get those weird floaty things across your vision and you can't tell detail at all. Horrible.

"Let's going skiing in the clouds...", said nobody, ever.

'X' is for X-Ray

If you end up needing one of these you can be fairly certain that it's the end of your season. They may end up being a bit of a trophy as you show off your broken wrist/ leg/ knee/ back to your colleagues, but it's not a trophy you want.

'Y' is for Yellow Snow

Don't eat it. There, you've been told.

'Z' is for Zorbing

Zorbing + Skiing!!! How has this not been done?! And if it has… where is the video?!

Well there you go.  That's my insightful A-Z of ski seasons.  There are a few notable absences from the list, but a lot of things start with the same letter, so there you go.

Won't be long until the end of the season and the last winter blog to be written, but until that moment...