Tracking Mountain Animals... Or Seasonaires!!

It is about this time that some of us start to think about going back out to the mountains for another 6 months of late nights, early mornings, cleaning toilets, and too many jagerbombs. I, for one, will be making this journey in less than a month; and I can't wait!

For others though, this will be their first (and perhaps only) time of making the sacred pilgrimage to the snowy areas of this world. And this blog post is written for them.

I remember the build up to my first season in France. It was a mixture of excitement, nerves, and apprehension. To help with my need for having a calm before the storm, I looked to have my questions answered. And where else do you look, but the internet?!

Now, there were all sorts of blogs out there (there still are) and whilst some had original and useful content, the majority just repeated each other – yes, you'll need more socks than you thought possible to own. Yes, packing condoms is a good idea. Yes, taking a UK extension lead will be invaluable. But, come on, tell me something else that the last 10 blogs haven't already told me!! Namely, what are the other people like that I'm going to be spending this crazy experience with?!

And that, kids, is what I'll attempt to cover today.

Passport & socks.. anything else for the winter?!

The basic reaction will be that you are going to meet like minded individuals, but whilst that is true on the surface, it goes much deeper than that. The people that are in the mountains are there for a number of reasons – some are living off the 'Bank of Mum & Dad' and are just there for a 'gap yah' experience, some are there because they're running from something in the real world, others are there because they've ended up in the never-ending trap of seasonal work and a final few are there because it's something that they've always wanted to do – and now is their opportunity to do it.

Let us consider the first group – those that are living off the 'Bank of Mum & Dad'. These types can be initially recognised by the amount of bags that they will turn up at resort with. Seriously, they'll have more clothes than you ever deemed possible. One set of snow boots will not suffice – they need at least three. You will quickly understand the need for all of the bags once they start to ship out all of their beauty and hair products.

Ski attire or not?!

As you get into the nitty gritty of your training, these people will really come to the fore. And not in a good way. They tend to be the folks that you find outside the chalet complaining about everything. Complaining that they've run out of 'straights' and they don't know where the shop is or how to roll. Complaining that they actually had to get up at 8am this morning (a breeze compared to when the season properly kicks of). That their hands are ruined from all of the cleaning products and the work that they're having to do. Complaining that they might actually have to cook when they get home in the evening. The list goes on.

The second group on the list is those people that are running from something in the real world. This group is actually the largest group in the mountains. And the reasons are wildly varied. I've met people that are actually running – from the tax-man, a psychotic ex, all manner of things. Others are just running from the real world.

This bunch of misfits should be handled with care. By and large people who are running from things, once you scratch the surface, are fantastic. You just need to get that out of them. It is possible that you will make friends for life with some of them. Get to know them, find out what makes them tick, find out their vices and why they are doing what they are doing. And remember, if you look out for them, they will look out for you. And that is something that is invaluable on a ski season!

(Just don't get too close to the local nutter – that has the potential to alienate everybody).

Local nutters can be found anywhere...

The third bunch, you will have the pleasure of meeting, are those that have got sucked into doing seasons. This can range from a mid-twenties chef who has been doing this since he could first clean a pot, through a middling 40 year old, who has no idea how they ended up there, what their job actually entails or how they might ever get back to a 'normal society'.

When you meet this lot, feel blessed. They are fantastic. I'm not just saying that because I potentially fall into this group, but because they genuinely are. These guys and gals know why you are there, (possibly) remember their first season and will attempt to guide you so that you don't make the same mistakes that they did and will help you to make the most of your time in the mountains.

You are most likely to find this group doing one of three things (all things you should aspire to do). They'll either be:-

1. Nailing their work.
2. Nailing the mountain.
3. Nailing the bar.

Nailed it...

The key to a good season (and life), they will tell you, is to strike a balance between these three. It is a fine line, but it can be done.

The final group on the list is one that you, the reader, will feel you fall in to. Just doing it as a once in a lifetime thing. Getting it out of the system. Finding yourself. However you want to describe it, it's a big scary group and one that you should cherish and embrace.

Remember a few key points and you will be well on your way to having a fantastic time living it up in the mountains.

1. Remember why you are there – don't get bogged down in work.
2. Remember that work is necessary to maintain your season. Don't mess it up and get sent home.
3. Christmas is tough, but it's the same for everybody and you'll all have a blast anyway.
4. Treat everybody fairly. That includes your guests.
5. Unless they're a complete nutter, if somebody gives you advice, it's probably worth taking it on board.
6. Find/ make a good playlist to ride to.
7. Don't forget to phone home every now and again (more than once a season).
8. Cake is currency – you can trade it for absolutely anything.
9. Ride as much as you can. This might be your only opportunity to do this.
10. Remember that you could be stuck doing a 9-5 and the same boring commute, day in, day out. No matter how many toilets you clean, or beds you make, you have one hell of a lifestyle!
11. Don't eat yellow snow. Ever.

At the end of the day, the people you meet on your season will be a complete mix-match. Some you will like and some you will hate. You never know you might even love some. But at the bottom of it all is a love for the mountains and a love for winter. We all have that in common. And when the final guests leave, and shut down is complete… well… we might just see you next year!

A-Z of Seasons: Part 2

How was that then?! I hope you enjoyed the first part of the A-Z of seasons. And if you didn't, well.. shit.. lighten up a bit!! Now for the second part...

'N' is for Neige

That would be the French for snow. Not as important word as you may think for a group of people living in the mountains during winter. However, the British have taken it upon themselves to integrate this word into their vocab. “It's neiging!” and “Where the fuck is the neige?!” are now common phrases amongst seasonaires. It's all about learning the local lingo you see...

If this isn't a thing in your local resort, get with the times and make it so.

Now that's what you call neige...

'O' is for Onesie

This one was a tough call. It was either 'off-piste' or 'onesie' and in the end the latter prevailed, because let's be honest, who the hell doesn't like a onesie. There are the old French dudes that rock the '80s style on the slopes – complete with headband and bumbag, through to the modern types that rock Willerfinders (seriously, check them out, they're cool!).

Never forget though… Onesies Wednesdays are a thing. You should always take part where possible.

All about the onesie...

'P' is for Piste

These are the nicely grooved, corduroy looking, freshly bashed, motorway looking things that snake their way down the mountain. Some resorts have hundreds of them, whereas others… not so much. They're graded from green to black.

Green Runs tend to be flat and for beginners. Blue Runs are a little steeper and full of ski schools (ideal for 'ski school slalom'). Red Runs are for those of you that are more advanced and want to hurtle down the mountain faster than your average avalanche and Black Runs… well you either have to be pretty good, pretty stupid or pretty naive. Some of the Black Runs I've come across are both awesome and shit scary at the same time.

'Q' is for Queues

You hate them in the normal world, you'll hate them out here as well. Not only do they take up your precious time whilst waiting to get back up the mountain, but they provide the perfect environment for your inner rage to develop. Especially when it comes to the holiday periods. Try standing in a queue for 15 minutes whilst listening to some ernest shite-bag talking about how they are trying to make sure that Little Timmy gets the best training he can to push forward to the British Ski Team… Yeah? You're from Surrey and Little Timmy has two left feet. Fuck Off.

You'll also develop excellent pole skills. As in, you'll be able to subtly hint to people that you enjoy your personal space and that's not the snow that they're standing on, but your skis. Seriously, people standing on your skis will drive you psychopathic.

'R' is for Reindeer

If the chalet/ apartment you are stopping in doesn't have at least one picture of a reindeer in it, well, the interior designer/ owner isn't doing their job properly.

The more, the better. Preferably not just pictures as well… Statues, heads mounted on the wall, keyrings for the room keys, paintings, prints, door-knockers. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that the greater the amount of reindeer tat in your chalet, the classier it is as an establishment.

How about a picture of a painting of a reindeer...

'S' is for Skiers

Yes, I know this is an obvious and boring slot, but we had one for boarders so it's only fair that we have one for skiers. Plus, y'know, we're cooler.

We started off the whole, “let's go down the mountain strapped to bits of wood” and then continued it from there. Yes, boarders came along and showed us what could be done with the whole mountain and tricks, etc. But then we got smart. We took that attitude and technology and produced big powder, all mountain skiing and then rocked it out in the park. Check out any video with Candide Thovex and you'll see what I mean. If you have time, I thoroughly suggest watching 'Few Words'. Great ski film.

'T' is for Tartiflette

A friend of mine once told me (before I started seasons) about 'Tartiflette Tuesdays'. I think they should be a thing. Like, once a month. Not every week – that'd be far too much, but a monthly thing would probably work.

If you don't know, it's a dish you find in the Alps – potato, cheese, lardons and onions. Great shout for the end of a ski day. Ridiculously fattening if not eaten at the end of a ski day.

'U' is for Uniform

Thought you'd given them up at the end of your school days?! Think again. Issued to you on your first day in the Alps, you'll lose items and gain items in equal amounts. You'll be issued all types of branded clothing for all types of occasions. Seriously, some operators are about one brainstorming, board meeting away from issuing you with company fancy dress.

It won't fit you, will come in some god-awful colours and you'll hate it with a passion. You'll be grateful for it though when you end up trashing it through the course of the season. Thankful that it's not your clothes that you are messing up.

'V' is for Vacuum

Your mum will say you've never seen one and don't know how to operate one. By the end of the season you will be a master of the cleaning machine. You will be able to vacuum a 16 bed chalet in less than 20 minutes. You will have perfected the art of looking like Freddie Mercury when guests come back into the chalet whilst you are mid-clean. You will have developed the advanced technique of furniture lifting with one arm, whilst hoovering under with the other. And, last but by no means least… you still won't have a clue as to how to empty the bastard.

'W' is for White-Out

Possibly the single worst thing to happen on the mountain (aside from being caught in an avalanche). It's the moment when you can't tell the difference between the sky and the mountain. You will end up skiing from piste-marker to piste-marker, slower than you ever thought possible.

However, your delightful brain will play tricks on you. You might be stood still and you'll think that you're still heading down the mountain, or the complete reverse may occur. Your eyes will do some weird, crazy shit and the only way that I can describe it is that it feels like you've opened your eyes when swimming underwater – you get those weird floaty things across your vision and you can't tell detail at all. Horrible.

"Let's going skiing in the clouds...", said nobody, ever.

'X' is for X-Ray

If you end up needing one of these you can be fairly certain that it's the end of your season. They may end up being a bit of a trophy as you show off your broken wrist/ leg/ knee/ back to your colleagues, but it's not a trophy you want.

'Y' is for Yellow Snow

Don't eat it. There, you've been told.

'Z' is for Zorbing

Zorbing + Skiing!!! How has this not been done?! And if it has… where is the video?!

Well there you go.  That's my insightful A-Z of ski seasons.  There are a few notable absences from the list, but a lot of things start with the same letter, so there you go.

Won't be long until the end of the season and the last winter blog to be written, but until that moment...

A-Z of Seasons: Part 1

All of my blog posts so far this season have been rants and moans about anything and everything, so I thought I'd inject some positivity and change it up a little. Apologies in advance if that makes this blog post a little shit.

I thought I'd go for an A-Z of seasons. 26 or so points about living in the mountains for 6 months of the year. At time of writing I've still nothing for 'Z' so 26 might be a little optimistic.

'A' is for Après (and Avalanches)

If you're not hitting après after each and every riding session, then you're doing it wrong. Trust me, there is something special about stumbling home in the small hours, ski boots skill on, skis over your shoulder, knowing that you're going to be in work in a couple of hours.

Do it properly...

Avalanches. We had a saying about them a couple of years back... “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. That and avalanches!”. Nuff said.

'B' is for Boarders

They reckon they're the coolest on the mountain and they've probably got a point. Most likely to be found chucking themselves off rock faces or over trees. If not, then you'll find them in the pub, telling anybody who'll listen about their latest attempt at a 'proper gnarly backside 540 over the top wind-lip' (trust me, they actually do speak like that). They are also the most likely not to make it through the entire season due to self inflicted injuries.

'C' is for Chairlifts

You have to get on them if you want to get anywhere in resort that doesn't involve a shitty button lift. They start off with some fancy auto-scanner that will pick up your lift-pass and allow you to progress to the next level. Chances are it won't scan it and you'll spend 5 minutes furiously rubbing your pocket against the thing in an attempt to get passage. In the end you'll give up and climb over it.

Then you'll get to stand in the gates waiting for them to open and allow you through to the actual seats. Imagine the start of a horse race, but with bigger men and a distinct lack of horses. Once you've been let through, you will will stand in a position to allow the seats to scoop you up and take you on your journey to the fairy land above the clouds.

If you're lucky, your chairlift will have been built within the past 15 years and it'll be a nice transition between standing and sitting. Chances are you won't be lucky and the thing will come round at the speed of a thousand gazelles and clean out the back of your legs like an old granny whacking you on the back of your legs with her walking stick.

You'll then have a nice pleasant journey up the mountain (unless it's pissing it down with snow and then you'll end up looking like the abominable snowman when you get off the thing.

The bit in the middle can be quite nice...

Then comes the disembarking stage. Rule #1 – DON'T TRUST ANYBODY. Chances are you'll be sat next to a boarder or a learner and their sole reason for existence (in the next 20 seconds) is to clean you out and make sure the lift stops because you've ended up upside down in the safety net.

It happens, folks. Stay safe.

'D' is for Dinner

Dinner will come in one of several formats – leftover food from your dinner service with the guests. Leftover food from kids dinner (usually home homely stuff because, y'know kids don't like fuss). Some form of sandwich or wrap (grated cheese, ham, and lettuce being a personal favourite). Cereal. Or, if you've been on the mountain all day – a chocolate bar on the last lift before hitting après.

'E' is for Earnings

If you are savvy, you will finish the season with the same amount of money as you started it with. Your wages and (if you're lucky enough to get them) tips will cover you, but bare in mind that a pint in the Alps probably costs the same as one in London (even with seasonaire discount) so you're probably better off drinking at home.

Also, cake. Cake is a fantastic way of reducing your expenditure. Take leftover cake into the ski shop and they might knock a bit of your next ski wax. Take it into the bar and they might give you a couple of free shots when you're next on the piss. Take it to your boss and he might let you off that disgusting hangover you rocked into work with yesterday.

'F' is for Fucking

It happens. A lot. In the literal sense (as well being fucked over by the guests and bosses), which is both surprising and not at the same time. On the one hand you have a bunch of 20 something chucked together into a close knit environment for 6 months – what do you expect to happen?! Especially as everybody tends to get fitter over the course of the season. But at the same time, pretty much everybody shares their room with at least one other, has a shitty single bed and works the most unsociable hours known. Turns out people come up with some brilliant solutions to make sure their wanton desires are fulfilled.

'G' is for G.N.A.R

Or the 'Game of G.N.A.R' if you want to be specific. There's a video about it and everything. If you haven't seen it, you can watch it here. Basically it's all about doing the daftest and most ridiculous of things on the mountain, but at the end of the day having fun. And if you want to have a good season – take G.N.A.R to heart!

'H' is for 'Hiking'

If you're serious about your riding, this is what you need to do. Strap your board/ skis to your back, look at the nearest face with lines on (or not, your choice) and decide that the best use of your time for the next couple of hours is to hike up there, exposed to the elements, with a sheer drop on either side and with rapidly thinning air. You'll be blowing out of your arse by the time you get to the drop in and your legs will be screaming at you, but those lines will be the most rewarding of the season... You'll get to the bottom and wonder why you doubted yourself on the hike.

It always looks less when you start off..

Hiking is what truly brings the mountain alive.

'I' is for Ice

Skiers can just about tolerate it, boarders detest it with a passion and both can agree that face planting the piste, because of a bit of ice, hurts like hell. It usually turns up just when you least want it, causes you to pray to a higher deity and then ensures that your board pants turn a nice shade of brown.

It's also the thing that you're most likely to have run out of when somebody comes in and orders 15 fucking gin & tonics.

J is for 'Jumps'

This can range from little ones that you start off with, right through to those huge kickers that you see on the latest ski film. Most of the time if you are going to do a jump you plan it, however they -can occur when riding – especially when off-piste or riding through slush at the end of the season (you will take off more times that you will care for when hitting clumps of slush).

K is for 'Kickers'

No, not those shitty shoes that your parents bought you when you were at primary school, but rather big wedges of snow that your throw yourself off. They range from little ones that you build with a shovel, through to massive kickers that the professionals build with piste-bashers..

Just remember, if you're going to build one yourself, don't put it on a flat landing. That shit'll hurt!!

L is for 'Lifties'

Heroes of the mountain. These are the folks that get up before everybody else, go and blow up the unsafe off-piste, open the lifts and generally make sure everything for the season.

They've also been known to give people lifts back between resorts, in the back of pick-up trucks, in the worst driving conditions, professing that they are in fact Sebastien Loeb, whilst drifting the thing round corners. I can personally vouch for this happening!!

M is for 'Mountains'

This is where you live. For 6 months of the year. What isn't there to like about that?! You're healthier due to living at altitude (though you are likely to negate that with beer, shots and cake), you have one hell of a commute to work and you have a complete playground at your doorstep.

If you ever start feeling homesick, put 'England' on by The National – sounds even better when sat on your balcony watching the world trickle by.

How would you get bored of a view like that?!

That's it for this blog post – Part 2 will be up in a few days time. However, right now there is a party in the Trailer Park that I MUST attend. Plus I figured you wouldn't want to read all 26 in one sitting. That's like having too much of a good thing in one go.

Till next time.

Fantastic Food & Fanatical Fads.

Truth be told, I started writing this blog post a while back, but tiredness and other factors got in the way of writing (House of Cards is seriously addictive). Today, however, I have decided to come back from skiing, forego happy hour and try to complete this post. It also helps that I've finished all the box-sets that I want to watch (for the time being), the weather is howling outside and I've got Gary Clarke Jr. playing the blues through my headphones.

I also feel that I should also issue a grovelling apology to the assembled masses for the wait that they have had to endure since the last post. It's the sort of apology that Jeremy Clarkson should have issued after the 30-odd seconds of sustained violence he dished out because he had to make do with a sandwich, or the sort that I should have been given by my guests last week when their shitty little kid decided to throw up all round the chalet... “Sorry about that”. I mean it's not as sincere as “I'm sorry”, but at least it's a token effort.

Anyway...

I hate people. It's true... I really do. I don't mean my friends, they tend to understand that I don't see them as part of the masses, so they know I don't hate them. No, the people I am talking about are those that you see every day – down the pub, at work, on the commute to work, on the television, on the slopes, in the fucking shops, the list goes on.

I explained this to my boss when I arrived out here. I point blank told him that I didn't like people and considering he'd just hired me on a long-term basis, this was possibly a risky move. Turns out it was spot on. He hates people too.

All of us out here work in the hospitality industry (good way to make a ski season sound shit, I know), but it means that we potentially come into contact with more people than your average joe. Not just in a passing way, but having to look after all of their whims and fancies. And, trust me, there are loads of them.

Now, the company that I work for has made a mistake. It's not a big one and they probably don't know that it exists, but it's a fucking pain in the arse each and every single week. Since we are (supposedly) a high end company, with reindeer tat filled chalets and massive pepper grinders, we politely ask the customers (before they arrive) if they have any dietary requirements. This is so that the chefs can prep and make any necessary adjustments to their menu plan for the upcoming week. Yeah? Fail.

This opens us up to all sorts and completely pisses on the chefs and their meticulously planned menus (coming up with a menu during dinner prep counts as meticulous, right?).

Is that enough fruit for you?!

I understand that there are allergies and intolerances out there, and with such people it is duly noted and catered for. Some of these people are complete idiots though, but that's beside the point. We've definitely had people turn up and let us know just before dinner that they have a severe nut allergy and are likely to swell up to the size of sperm whale if they come within 500m of a peanut. This can 't be helped and it is important that we make sure everything is sorted for them.

No, it's the other lot that I truly hate. Those that are on some fad fucking diet and have an inability to let it slide for a week. YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY, PEOPLE – LET IT GO!!! Each week we get given our manifest on the guests that are arriving the week after. Each week our heart sinks, our heads drop a little and we spend a good couple of days swearing about it to anybody that will listen.

When I talk about fad diets I mean those that come around for a few months, screw with people's kidneys and livers and then fuck off again into the next issue of OK or wherever they come from. I swear those people that request a “gluten free diet” have only developed the fad over the past couple of years and definitely could have a bit of bread or something.. it won't kill them. Obviously Coeliacs are a different case, but y'know that put that down on their requirements – “Coeliac” not “Gluten Free Diet”.

Then there are the sugar free wankers. Yes, I do appreciate that there is a lot of unnecessary sugar in modern life and if we are able to cut it out then that's a good thing, but a week of eating normally isn't going to do that much harm to you.

My favourites though are the fusspots – they've got nothing wrong with them, they just eat a fucking weird diet when they're at home and they expect us to cater for it when they come away. A prime example of this came a couple of weeks ago when we had a family stop with us for the week. Before they arrived we were sent an A4 sheet of paper of their requirements (that's one side of A4 for each member of the family don't you know) and we had quite a laugh at their ridiculous requests. The pick of the bunch was on the list for the kid - “reduced sugar and salt baked beans”, but further down the list was “ice-cream, preferably vanilla”. I shit you not!! Let's think about that for a moment. For starters where are we supposed to get reduced sugar and salt beans – we operate in the fucking mountains and the selection available to us for delivery isn't great. Think Tesco the evening before is shuts for Christmas Day – nothing on the shelves & screaming kids sat in the middle of aisles and you get the picture. But, they go on to say that vanilla ice-cream is okay for their 7 year old shit. HOW MUCH SUGAR DO YOU THINK THERE IS IN ICE-CREAM YOU FUCKTARTS!!

It's this sort of behaviour that fucks me off. The diets make no sense whatsoever. They are just fads and fancies and will be forgotten in a couple of months.

You're not going to forget this apple though...

This is the thing that I ask – rather than letting people dictate what they want, just ask them if they have any allergies or intolerances. That covers those people that would actually have a problem if they came into contact with a certain food, but also lets the rest know that they can fuck off and eat the wonderful food that is being prepared for them.

Maybe I'm weird though... I'll eat anything. Expect Marmite. I fucking hate Marmite.

Made In France...

In honour of it being Valentines Day I thought I might take the time to enlighten you all on the shenanigans and depravity that occurs during the winter months. They (whoever they may be) always say that sexual activity increases during the cold months of the year. I've no idea if this is due to the lack of decent television, the increased need for warmth with another person, or if it's just because the nights are long and people get bored.

Now, for this post, all names have been changed, so much so that I'll be using the code-names that my room-mate and I have come up with for everybody. These new names are reflective of all parties involved and to be fair we only came up with them so that we can sit at the bar and discuss them whilst they are sat right next to us. It's genius if you ask me. But, being the egotistical maniacs that the pair of us are, we have named ourselves Sherlock and Watson – there's a lot of detective work involved in working out who is shagging who and, to be honest, neither of us look like Dalziel or Pascoe!

One of my co-workers put it best the other day when she said, “It's basically like Made In Chelsea out here, everybody is fucking everybody and getting fucked over at the same time”. And, being (un)fortunate enough to have seen a couple of episodes of said programme, I know that she's not far off the money with that remark. Stick 40 or so, young, ski-fit, nubile, young people together in the same company (I'm probably not going to have the time to expand this to the entire resort) and you can guarantee that a spiders-web of sexual exploits will emerge.

Yeah?! Fuck off will that happen...

 I'm not entirely certain where to start this post, or even the best way to try and portray this to you, but I guess the best way to begin is to introduce the key characters.

First off we've got Danger Mouse. She's pretty, young and very naive. She's been code-named Danger Mouse due to her small stature and her naivety, which makes her incredibly dangerous. She also knows that she's quite pretty (aren't they always the worst?) which enables her to flirt with everybody and gain free drinks out of the majority of the men in the resort.

Danger Mouse has been causing quite the stir in resort. First off she hangs out with people she really shouldn't do (nothing to see here, folks), but then starts doing other stuff that got the attention of Sherlock & Watson. Late night trips down to the local village? Trips out for dinner, followed by the cinema and then being dropped back in resort during the small hours of the night? How about when she was walked home after a night in the pub (by random person who she really shouldn't have)? The mind definitely start to tick over when all of these things happen...

Next on the roll call is Shambles. Shambles is a decent guy, but to be honest this reflects how he's been since he arrived in resort. He takes a different approach to the rest of the bunch... instead of going to the bar and seeing what he can take home, he works his way through departments. Not only does this appear to have limited success, but it also ensures that entire departments won't talk to him any more. Very smooth work. I mentioned this to one of the bar managers the other day and his response was priceless - “I used to be known as the 'Nanny Slayer' back in my day”. So turns out it's not really a new approach. Shambles latest target is Danger Mouse (told you, she gets all of the guys after her) and it really is a lovely sight to sit back and watch Shambles compete with others for her attention and affections. We've come to the conclusion that Shambles is winning in the affection stakes, but certain others round resort are pulling ahead when it comes to attention and time spent with her.

Then there's Bambi – lovely girl, but constantly looks like a deer in the headlights. Sherlock & Watson have been trying (with varying levels of success) to get close to her, without her suspecting anything. You see, Bambi is the closest ally of Danger Mouse, and she definitely knows the ins and out of what has been happening with her pursuits. Bambi also flirts with Shambles, but she's in the wrong department so, for once, there's no traction there.

Moving to the other side of the sexual spiders web, we get to meet The Panther. He's a returnee, so he's honed his skills over the past season and a half. All of last season, and pretty much up until last week, he had a lovely girlfriend back in the UK. She even used to come out and visit for a couple of weeks each year. But this didn't/ hasn't stopped him. Last year we know that he racked it up to 5 different shags before his girlfriend even got out here. And he doesn't discriminate – you don't have to work for the company to be in his sights.

The Panther has mainly been after Little Red Riding Hood. Very similar to Danger Mouse, just less dangerous as she's not as clever. They've been off having secret little rendezvous' in empty chalets during the course of the season. Perhaps she has something though, because The Panther has finally done the right thing and split up with his girlfriend back home. To clarify, he either had to stop shagging his way around resort, or he had to split up with his girlfriend; it was the only way he was going to regain any moral dignity. And I mean ANY.

The Panther's closest friend (and partner in crime) is The Saffer. He's from South Africa (how'd you guess?!) and is constantly baked off his face. That doesn't stop him trying to work his way through the bar every night. It's like watching a shit rom-com. You know the types where the sleazy guy goes up to a girl in a bar, gets rejected, moves to her mate, gets rejected and so on... Yeah, that's pretty much his M.O. Turns out it works though – admittedly with the local French bike, but he still can claim a success.

Talking of the bar, the other piece in the jigsaw is Long Tall Sally – fuck knows where his code-name came from, but it's stuck. He's a decent enough guy and a good laugh. The main point with Long Tall Sally is that he just likes to play up to the barman stereotype and pretty much fucks anything that walks through the door. He doesn't do it in a malicious way, and I don't actually think he knows that he's doing it, but the hell is anybody going to get close to him to calm him down a bit.

Even the steady couples that do exist in resort (apparently they do) are a soap opera in themselves. The arguments are absolutely huge and very frequent, amongst all of the couples. I've seen punches thrown, bottles thrown, hair pulled, tears, blood... and that's just from the women.

There you go. That's how a winter season looks to the outsider... a mixing bowl of sexual activity that criss-crosses its way through the Alps.

I'll keep you posted on how things develop for the likes of the Long Tall Sally and The Panther, but I don't think it will calm down though. It's only going to get better (or worse depending on how you look at it).

Made In Chelsea isn't a fucking patch on this lot!!

Do You Come Here Often?

It's been a little while since my last post and my deepest apologies to those of you that have been pining at the computer screen, constantly refreshing the blog page like some 16 kid trying to get gig tickets to see the latest Simon Cowell manufactured piece of shit.

Anyway, since the snow has finally arrived (and this time is looks like it might be sticking around for a little while) I've had plenty of time to think of things to write about whilst sat on the lifts. I mean there's only some many times you can discuss the fact that there definitely wasn't this many rocks, on the mountain, this time last year. There was, but, y'know... SNOW!!

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S...

So, I came to the conclusion that I'd write a little education piece for the folks out there. I can already hear you saying “No change there then, your blogs are full of educational points”. Well this time you might actually learn something that you can take with you when you go on your next ski trip – or season. You see, the subject of choice this week is the difference between seasonnaires and holiday makers (or gits).

I've always noticed it, but this year it has been even more prevalent. There have been more open discussions between the staff about how holiday gits this year look... how to phrase this nicely? Like bigger pricks than every other year that we've been out here!! It's even reached the level where these discussions are starting to happen with the guests as well (the down to earth types, not those with too much money – they're the worst offenders).

What am I talking about? Seasonaires and guests are polar opposites and it's getting more and more extreme as the years go on. We might as well be Walter White and Jesse Pinkman – same goal, but different ways of getting there.

The easiest way of getting this across is drawing the comparisons between the two groups:-

Clothing (on the hill)

Seasonaires – The baggier the better. This is usually down to two reasons. It's either because baggier clothes are more forgiving when you've just separated your limbs after hoiking it off some 10foot drop and landed on your coccyx. All you need to do is wipe away the blood and everything is still intact (clothing wise). Or the other reason is that the XL+ stuff is usually the most reduced in the sales at the end of the season. This is also the reason why seasonaires stuff will be a complete mix match – it's either been put together in the sales or they've found stuff on the hill or after changeover. You will also, rarely, see a seasonaire without goggles on – sunglasses aren't for the mountain.

The only things left in the 'end of season sale' weren't really ideal...

Holiday Gits – Baggy clothing is dirty. Fitted jackets and ski pants are the order of the day. They are either colour coordinated (pink and white for the women, blue and yellow for the chaps) or they wear the same colour – usually black. Oh and the other approach is to wear matching designs on the top and bottom half. A classic example of this is the snowboard clothing company called Picture. Nothing against them (I'd love a set of their board pants, but they're just too damn expensive), but the amount of people you see with the top and bottom halves matching in Picture stuff. You just look a special type of idiot! A helmet is a must, but to be fair this can be said for both sets of groups (we just have more stickers). The only real difference being is that a git will have their goggles on top of their helmets and will be riding in their sunglasses. Where's the protection there dipshit? Plus you look like a right... well... helmet.

Clothing (in resort)

Seasonaires – Jeans, hoodies, woolly hat, bandanna and skate shoes. That's your lot. I guess we are limited by the amount of luggage that we're able to bring away with us for 5 months, unless you drive out. But I feel that we take the approach that if it's functional and has a purpose we'll use it over and over again. We're all in the same boat and it's certainly not a fashion parade out here, so nobody judges what you wear. Shoes are also a funny one – as I said to one of the maintenance lads last week, I've brought more woolly hats with me than I have shoes. I've got a pair for the chalet, trainers to wear around resort and my ski boots, but I've got 5 different hats. Fairly certain he has a similar set up. What makes this even more amusing is the fact that because we don't care about how we look you can spot us a mile off. I went to another resort this week, walked into the bar, ordered a pint and the barman just looked at me and said “It's only €4 for seasonnaires”. I'd never been in that pub before in my life.

Holiday Gits – Walk round resort like it's a fucking catwalk in Milan. The sunglasses are way too large and definitely not as functional as those that the rest of us wear. “Ah, I see you spent £400 on a set of diamond encrusted, saucepan lids for your face, madam – be sure not to slip over on the ice in your fucking wedge shoes, you might slip and break them”. That's the next thing, you can spot holiday gits by the shoes that they wear. They tend to wear snow boots that aren't in the least bit practical. Yes they have good grip on them, but fur round the top? Really? In the Alps? You'd think that they might realise that when you get snow on your boots and it melts, fur ends up being disgustingly cold and crusty. Nice. There's the other breed that walk round in those god-awful moon boots. The less said about those the better. The rest of their attire tends to be similar to what they wear on the slopes, but with more sparkle. Fitted jackets, trousers, hats, gloves, neck warmers, socks...

On The Piss(te)

Seasonaires – We rock up at the bar at 11pm because that's when the majority of us have finished work. And lets be honest, we're already well on our way. You're slightly weird if you're a seasonaire and you're not clearing up service whilst having a mug or two of chalet wine. It's only going to be poured down the sink if you don't! Seasonaires have, by this point of the year, worked out several things. The most important two being, how much they can drink and still make it in to work in the morning and, the best/ cheapest drinks to get them there. Red wine in the bar is only €2.50 a glass (and if you charm the bar staff they'll serve you it in a Leffe Beer glass; much bigger), whereas a pint is €5.60. You do the math. We also know which nights are a good shout to go down and get free shots, whether that be from the bar owner, some random guests or the bar staff because they're sick of said owner taking the piss out of them.

Did somebody say free??

Holiday Gits – They tend to head down to the bar a little earlier in the night. Usually because they can't be arsed to cook so they've gone to sample the local cuisine. Nothing better than burger and chips to get the true taste of France. But that's where they go wrong, because they end up thinking that they're back in the UK, so they start drinking shots and shorts. Which is fine, but when you're pushing €10 for a rum and coke, you're going to get a few looks. I guess they don't care, because they're on holiday and if you can't have a blow out on holiday when can you!! It's just another note in point that there is a gulf in how seasonnaires and holiday gits conduct themselves.

Not all of this is the same for every resort, but as I've mentioned previously, the clients that we tend to get here are those looking for something more 'high-end' so we don't get the students and lads holidays.

It's a funny situation to be in once you realise you're in it and you can see the two camps taking form. But, for the sake of us all having a nice time, take note and make some changes when you next go skiing:-

1. It's not a fucking fashion parade – on or off the slopes.
2. Just because you have the latest and most expensive gear it does not make you King of the Hill. Some of the knarliest things I've seen out here have been done by guys and gals whose kit is being held together by gaffer tape and is baggier than your average West Brom fan.
3. Drink responsibly – i.e. stop spending all your money on shit drinks. Nobody thinks you're the big man.
4. Talk to seasonaires. We probably know much more about the resort and hill than you give us credit for.

Right, I'm off to grab myself a Bien Vu Beer (cheapest of the cheap beer) and a bottle of leftover chalet plonk. Till next time...