Made In France...

In honour of it being Valentines Day I thought I might take the time to enlighten you all on the shenanigans and depravity that occurs during the winter months. They (whoever they may be) always say that sexual activity increases during the cold months of the year. I've no idea if this is due to the lack of decent television, the increased need for warmth with another person, or if it's just because the nights are long and people get bored.

Now, for this post, all names have been changed, so much so that I'll be using the code-names that my room-mate and I have come up with for everybody. These new names are reflective of all parties involved and to be fair we only came up with them so that we can sit at the bar and discuss them whilst they are sat right next to us. It's genius if you ask me. But, being the egotistical maniacs that the pair of us are, we have named ourselves Sherlock and Watson – there's a lot of detective work involved in working out who is shagging who and, to be honest, neither of us look like Dalziel or Pascoe!

One of my co-workers put it best the other day when she said, “It's basically like Made In Chelsea out here, everybody is fucking everybody and getting fucked over at the same time”. And, being (un)fortunate enough to have seen a couple of episodes of said programme, I know that she's not far off the money with that remark. Stick 40 or so, young, ski-fit, nubile, young people together in the same company (I'm probably not going to have the time to expand this to the entire resort) and you can guarantee that a spiders-web of sexual exploits will emerge.

Yeah?! Fuck off will that happen...

 I'm not entirely certain where to start this post, or even the best way to try and portray this to you, but I guess the best way to begin is to introduce the key characters.

First off we've got Danger Mouse. She's pretty, young and very naive. She's been code-named Danger Mouse due to her small stature and her naivety, which makes her incredibly dangerous. She also knows that she's quite pretty (aren't they always the worst?) which enables her to flirt with everybody and gain free drinks out of the majority of the men in the resort.

Danger Mouse has been causing quite the stir in resort. First off she hangs out with people she really shouldn't do (nothing to see here, folks), but then starts doing other stuff that got the attention of Sherlock & Watson. Late night trips down to the local village? Trips out for dinner, followed by the cinema and then being dropped back in resort during the small hours of the night? How about when she was walked home after a night in the pub (by random person who she really shouldn't have)? The mind definitely start to tick over when all of these things happen...

Next on the roll call is Shambles. Shambles is a decent guy, but to be honest this reflects how he's been since he arrived in resort. He takes a different approach to the rest of the bunch... instead of going to the bar and seeing what he can take home, he works his way through departments. Not only does this appear to have limited success, but it also ensures that entire departments won't talk to him any more. Very smooth work. I mentioned this to one of the bar managers the other day and his response was priceless - “I used to be known as the 'Nanny Slayer' back in my day”. So turns out it's not really a new approach. Shambles latest target is Danger Mouse (told you, she gets all of the guys after her) and it really is a lovely sight to sit back and watch Shambles compete with others for her attention and affections. We've come to the conclusion that Shambles is winning in the affection stakes, but certain others round resort are pulling ahead when it comes to attention and time spent with her.

Then there's Bambi – lovely girl, but constantly looks like a deer in the headlights. Sherlock & Watson have been trying (with varying levels of success) to get close to her, without her suspecting anything. You see, Bambi is the closest ally of Danger Mouse, and she definitely knows the ins and out of what has been happening with her pursuits. Bambi also flirts with Shambles, but she's in the wrong department so, for once, there's no traction there.

Moving to the other side of the sexual spiders web, we get to meet The Panther. He's a returnee, so he's honed his skills over the past season and a half. All of last season, and pretty much up until last week, he had a lovely girlfriend back in the UK. She even used to come out and visit for a couple of weeks each year. But this didn't/ hasn't stopped him. Last year we know that he racked it up to 5 different shags before his girlfriend even got out here. And he doesn't discriminate – you don't have to work for the company to be in his sights.

The Panther has mainly been after Little Red Riding Hood. Very similar to Danger Mouse, just less dangerous as she's not as clever. They've been off having secret little rendezvous' in empty chalets during the course of the season. Perhaps she has something though, because The Panther has finally done the right thing and split up with his girlfriend back home. To clarify, he either had to stop shagging his way around resort, or he had to split up with his girlfriend; it was the only way he was going to regain any moral dignity. And I mean ANY.

The Panther's closest friend (and partner in crime) is The Saffer. He's from South Africa (how'd you guess?!) and is constantly baked off his face. That doesn't stop him trying to work his way through the bar every night. It's like watching a shit rom-com. You know the types where the sleazy guy goes up to a girl in a bar, gets rejected, moves to her mate, gets rejected and so on... Yeah, that's pretty much his M.O. Turns out it works though – admittedly with the local French bike, but he still can claim a success.

Talking of the bar, the other piece in the jigsaw is Long Tall Sally – fuck knows where his code-name came from, but it's stuck. He's a decent enough guy and a good laugh. The main point with Long Tall Sally is that he just likes to play up to the barman stereotype and pretty much fucks anything that walks through the door. He doesn't do it in a malicious way, and I don't actually think he knows that he's doing it, but the hell is anybody going to get close to him to calm him down a bit.

Even the steady couples that do exist in resort (apparently they do) are a soap opera in themselves. The arguments are absolutely huge and very frequent, amongst all of the couples. I've seen punches thrown, bottles thrown, hair pulled, tears, blood... and that's just from the women.

There you go. That's how a winter season looks to the outsider... a mixing bowl of sexual activity that criss-crosses its way through the Alps.

I'll keep you posted on how things develop for the likes of the Long Tall Sally and The Panther, but I don't think it will calm down though. It's only going to get better (or worse depending on how you look at it).

Made In Chelsea isn't a fucking patch on this lot!!