Do You Come Here Often?

It's been a little while since my last post and my deepest apologies to those of you that have been pining at the computer screen, constantly refreshing the blog page like some 16 kid trying to get gig tickets to see the latest Simon Cowell manufactured piece of shit.

Anyway, since the snow has finally arrived (and this time is looks like it might be sticking around for a little while) I've had plenty of time to think of things to write about whilst sat on the lifts. I mean there's only some many times you can discuss the fact that there definitely wasn't this many rocks, on the mountain, this time last year. There was, but, y'know... SNOW!!

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S...

So, I came to the conclusion that I'd write a little education piece for the folks out there. I can already hear you saying “No change there then, your blogs are full of educational points”. Well this time you might actually learn something that you can take with you when you go on your next ski trip – or season. You see, the subject of choice this week is the difference between seasonnaires and holiday makers (or gits).

I've always noticed it, but this year it has been even more prevalent. There have been more open discussions between the staff about how holiday gits this year look... how to phrase this nicely? Like bigger pricks than every other year that we've been out here!! It's even reached the level where these discussions are starting to happen with the guests as well (the down to earth types, not those with too much money – they're the worst offenders).

What am I talking about? Seasonaires and guests are polar opposites and it's getting more and more extreme as the years go on. We might as well be Walter White and Jesse Pinkman – same goal, but different ways of getting there.

The easiest way of getting this across is drawing the comparisons between the two groups:-

Clothing (on the hill)

Seasonaires – The baggier the better. This is usually down to two reasons. It's either because baggier clothes are more forgiving when you've just separated your limbs after hoiking it off some 10foot drop and landed on your coccyx. All you need to do is wipe away the blood and everything is still intact (clothing wise). Or the other reason is that the XL+ stuff is usually the most reduced in the sales at the end of the season. This is also the reason why seasonaires stuff will be a complete mix match – it's either been put together in the sales or they've found stuff on the hill or after changeover. You will also, rarely, see a seasonaire without goggles on – sunglasses aren't for the mountain.

The only things left in the 'end of season sale' weren't really ideal...

Holiday Gits – Baggy clothing is dirty. Fitted jackets and ski pants are the order of the day. They are either colour coordinated (pink and white for the women, blue and yellow for the chaps) or they wear the same colour – usually black. Oh and the other approach is to wear matching designs on the top and bottom half. A classic example of this is the snowboard clothing company called Picture. Nothing against them (I'd love a set of their board pants, but they're just too damn expensive), but the amount of people you see with the top and bottom halves matching in Picture stuff. You just look a special type of idiot! A helmet is a must, but to be fair this can be said for both sets of groups (we just have more stickers). The only real difference being is that a git will have their goggles on top of their helmets and will be riding in their sunglasses. Where's the protection there dipshit? Plus you look like a right... well... helmet.

Clothing (in resort)

Seasonaires – Jeans, hoodies, woolly hat, bandanna and skate shoes. That's your lot. I guess we are limited by the amount of luggage that we're able to bring away with us for 5 months, unless you drive out. But I feel that we take the approach that if it's functional and has a purpose we'll use it over and over again. We're all in the same boat and it's certainly not a fashion parade out here, so nobody judges what you wear. Shoes are also a funny one – as I said to one of the maintenance lads last week, I've brought more woolly hats with me than I have shoes. I've got a pair for the chalet, trainers to wear around resort and my ski boots, but I've got 5 different hats. Fairly certain he has a similar set up. What makes this even more amusing is the fact that because we don't care about how we look you can spot us a mile off. I went to another resort this week, walked into the bar, ordered a pint and the barman just looked at me and said “It's only €4 for seasonnaires”. I'd never been in that pub before in my life.

Holiday Gits – Walk round resort like it's a fucking catwalk in Milan. The sunglasses are way too large and definitely not as functional as those that the rest of us wear. “Ah, I see you spent £400 on a set of diamond encrusted, saucepan lids for your face, madam – be sure not to slip over on the ice in your fucking wedge shoes, you might slip and break them”. That's the next thing, you can spot holiday gits by the shoes that they wear. They tend to wear snow boots that aren't in the least bit practical. Yes they have good grip on them, but fur round the top? Really? In the Alps? You'd think that they might realise that when you get snow on your boots and it melts, fur ends up being disgustingly cold and crusty. Nice. There's the other breed that walk round in those god-awful moon boots. The less said about those the better. The rest of their attire tends to be similar to what they wear on the slopes, but with more sparkle. Fitted jackets, trousers, hats, gloves, neck warmers, socks...

On The Piss(te)

Seasonaires – We rock up at the bar at 11pm because that's when the majority of us have finished work. And lets be honest, we're already well on our way. You're slightly weird if you're a seasonaire and you're not clearing up service whilst having a mug or two of chalet wine. It's only going to be poured down the sink if you don't! Seasonaires have, by this point of the year, worked out several things. The most important two being, how much they can drink and still make it in to work in the morning and, the best/ cheapest drinks to get them there. Red wine in the bar is only €2.50 a glass (and if you charm the bar staff they'll serve you it in a Leffe Beer glass; much bigger), whereas a pint is €5.60. You do the math. We also know which nights are a good shout to go down and get free shots, whether that be from the bar owner, some random guests or the bar staff because they're sick of said owner taking the piss out of them.

Did somebody say free??

Holiday Gits – They tend to head down to the bar a little earlier in the night. Usually because they can't be arsed to cook so they've gone to sample the local cuisine. Nothing better than burger and chips to get the true taste of France. But that's where they go wrong, because they end up thinking that they're back in the UK, so they start drinking shots and shorts. Which is fine, but when you're pushing €10 for a rum and coke, you're going to get a few looks. I guess they don't care, because they're on holiday and if you can't have a blow out on holiday when can you!! It's just another note in point that there is a gulf in how seasonnaires and holiday gits conduct themselves.

Not all of this is the same for every resort, but as I've mentioned previously, the clients that we tend to get here are those looking for something more 'high-end' so we don't get the students and lads holidays.

It's a funny situation to be in once you realise you're in it and you can see the two camps taking form. But, for the sake of us all having a nice time, take note and make some changes when you next go skiing:-

1. It's not a fucking fashion parade – on or off the slopes.
2. Just because you have the latest and most expensive gear it does not make you King of the Hill. Some of the knarliest things I've seen out here have been done by guys and gals whose kit is being held together by gaffer tape and is baggier than your average West Brom fan.
3. Drink responsibly – i.e. stop spending all your money on shit drinks. Nobody thinks you're the big man.
4. Talk to seasonaires. We probably know much more about the resort and hill than you give us credit for.

Right, I'm off to grab myself a Bien Vu Beer (cheapest of the cheap beer) and a bottle of leftover chalet plonk. Till next time...

Guess The Guest...

So, that's it... the busiest part of the season has been, shafted us and promptly left. If you're still standing at the end of it you've done well. We've already lost a chef and, considering it's only three and a bit weeks into the season, you get a picture of how stressful it can be.

But who/ what is it that makes it so stressful during this early weeks? The lack of snow is certainly a contributing factor, but in all honesty it's the guests. I know, I know... they're the reason we are all out here – they pay our wages and keep the ski industry going, but seriously?! Some of them can take a running leap off the local ski jump. Preferably with no skis on and 3 metre thick ice at the bottom.

Now, it's not fair to tarnish all guests with the same brush so I'll try and give a little breakdown of the types of people that you get in resort. More to the point, I'll give you a run down of the types of people that you get going on a ski holiday with a company that attracts “higher clientèle”.

My resort is fairly small and the nightlife consists of about 3 bars. You can reduce that by one when you consider that one is French owned, so the hospitality in there for Brits is similar to when Edward Snowdon walked into his bosses office and said, “I think I've noticed something dodgy”. All of this means that the usual uni groups and lad tours don't happen in this resort, so they can be discounted.

It's not the amount of bars, but what you do that matters...

The majority of people that we do get in resort are down to earth people just looking for a nice break in the Alps. They're polite, don't get too irate if there's a queue and when they go out, it's for a laugh. Mind you, the French would probably look at it a different way seeing as nobody bothers to learn the local lingo.

So who else do you get coming to resort? Well when you work for a company that is charging more than a seasons wages, per person, for guests to stop over New Year or Christmas you get a different class of dickhead. When you get to this bracket you get 3 types of people – no money, money and just about enough money.

The first group are awesome – they tend to save up all year to come away for a week skiing, but they want to do it with a bit of style, rather than slumming it and living off Super-U pizzas for the week. They tend to be the most down to earth people that you'll meet all season. They can't be arsed with having their afternoon tea in a fancy cup and saucer and the most likely thing they will say is “just stick with a mug all week”. They go out of their way to help the hosts and chefs... they'll bring their glasses back over after having a few drinks in the evening. They'll let the chef know (weeks in advance) of what they can and cannot eat. Most of the time they eat everything and don't really have any dietary requirements. Put simply, they're the guest that you want all season.

The second group of people are an interesting bunch and can be separated down into two sub sections. You've got those that earn their money through hard work and those that just sort of fell into money. The first lot are a good bunch. They understand that we work our asses off for them to have a good holiday so they don't take the piss. Yes, they know that they can have wine, but they don't try and drink the chalet dry. They let you know subtly what they do and don't like. What they want and what they don't want. These are the guys that don't want to embarrass the staff.

The second sub-set are similar in not taking the piss with drinking the wine, etc. but it's the way they conduct themselves that sets them apart.

I've had a guest this season – let's call him Mr VW since he bangs on about polo all the time – that is a classic example of the second bunch. He doesn't drink lots of wine, why should he? He can afford to drink as much as he likes at home, but it's the way he does it that annoys people. Coming up to the staff and saying “I think your champagne needs chilling old boy” is not going to endear you to the troops. Especially when said bottle of champagne had not long come out of the fridge and was chilling in the bucket. Dude, we know what we're doing. There are other things that Mr VW liked to do to wind up the staff. Take for example the day when he kept coming up to the service area because the carafe of water was running low on the table. Yes, we'd noticed. Yes, we were topping up a fresh carafe. No, I don't need you to tell me and no, I don't need you to bring up the near empty one. This is our job... this is what we do.

Cold enought for you?!

This sort of stuff is never done in the same manner as the down-to-earth group, it was done as a show. It was done for the benefit of the others in the room to show how he felt about the service. This is what the second lot of money people are like though. They want to make a show and let you know that they earn considerably more than you.

Oh and don't even get me started on the dietary requirements that they throw at you. It's like the beginning of a joke... 'A vegetarian, a gluten free person and a 'no red meat' person walk into a chalet...'

The third group of people, those with just enough money, are hilarious. You can spot them a mile off. They're the type of people that rent a car and drive themselves over from the airport. The cost of a transfer scares them, but they're never going to drive down to the Alps. And when I say car – it's got to be something obscure. The best, that I've ever seen, was a couple rocking up in a rented Ford Transit. I mean, how much stuff do you need for a week?

You can also tell this group once you're inside the chalet. Free glass of champagne with canapés? Brilliant, we'll have one before in the hot tub, one with canapés and then we'll see if we can get a refill as well. Wine at the table during dinner service? Excellent, we'll see how many bottles we can get them to open during the course of the night and we'll also make sure that we take a glass or two down to the bedroom. Free, complimentary little bottle of shampoo and conditioner? Right, we'll use up the first lot, ask for a second lot and then take the bottles off home with us. The best thing about that is the fact that the shampoo and conditioner bottle are filled by the staff. Usually hungover and usually in a darkened room, so chances are one bottle is fabric softener and the other is washing up liquid. Jokes on you guys...

To be honest, I know these guys are out here for a good time, but ultimately don't take the staff for a ride. No matter much or how little you have in your bank account.

At the end of the day, we're all here for the same thing – the mountain and the snow. And if you think about it, we're the ones doing it the right way. We live out here for 18 weeks, get paid to do so and can pretty much ski or board every day if we weren't so drunk all the time. So next time you have to smile at somebody who has just asked for the most ridiculous of things, just think about that and you'll be laughing on the inside.