Guess The Guest...

So, that's it... the busiest part of the season has been, shafted us and promptly left. If you're still standing at the end of it you've done well. We've already lost a chef and, considering it's only three and a bit weeks into the season, you get a picture of how stressful it can be.

But who/ what is it that makes it so stressful during this early weeks? The lack of snow is certainly a contributing factor, but in all honesty it's the guests. I know, I know... they're the reason we are all out here – they pay our wages and keep the ski industry going, but seriously?! Some of them can take a running leap off the local ski jump. Preferably with no skis on and 3 metre thick ice at the bottom.

Now, it's not fair to tarnish all guests with the same brush so I'll try and give a little breakdown of the types of people that you get in resort. More to the point, I'll give you a run down of the types of people that you get going on a ski holiday with a company that attracts “higher clientèle”.

My resort is fairly small and the nightlife consists of about 3 bars. You can reduce that by one when you consider that one is French owned, so the hospitality in there for Brits is similar to when Edward Snowdon walked into his bosses office and said, “I think I've noticed something dodgy”. All of this means that the usual uni groups and lad tours don't happen in this resort, so they can be discounted.

It's not the amount of bars, but what you do that matters...

The majority of people that we do get in resort are down to earth people just looking for a nice break in the Alps. They're polite, don't get too irate if there's a queue and when they go out, it's for a laugh. Mind you, the French would probably look at it a different way seeing as nobody bothers to learn the local lingo.

So who else do you get coming to resort? Well when you work for a company that is charging more than a seasons wages, per person, for guests to stop over New Year or Christmas you get a different class of dickhead. When you get to this bracket you get 3 types of people – no money, money and just about enough money.

The first group are awesome – they tend to save up all year to come away for a week skiing, but they want to do it with a bit of style, rather than slumming it and living off Super-U pizzas for the week. They tend to be the most down to earth people that you'll meet all season. They can't be arsed with having their afternoon tea in a fancy cup and saucer and the most likely thing they will say is “just stick with a mug all week”. They go out of their way to help the hosts and chefs... they'll bring their glasses back over after having a few drinks in the evening. They'll let the chef know (weeks in advance) of what they can and cannot eat. Most of the time they eat everything and don't really have any dietary requirements. Put simply, they're the guest that you want all season.

The second group of people are an interesting bunch and can be separated down into two sub sections. You've got those that earn their money through hard work and those that just sort of fell into money. The first lot are a good bunch. They understand that we work our asses off for them to have a good holiday so they don't take the piss. Yes, they know that they can have wine, but they don't try and drink the chalet dry. They let you know subtly what they do and don't like. What they want and what they don't want. These are the guys that don't want to embarrass the staff.

The second sub-set are similar in not taking the piss with drinking the wine, etc. but it's the way they conduct themselves that sets them apart.

I've had a guest this season – let's call him Mr VW since he bangs on about polo all the time – that is a classic example of the second bunch. He doesn't drink lots of wine, why should he? He can afford to drink as much as he likes at home, but it's the way he does it that annoys people. Coming up to the staff and saying “I think your champagne needs chilling old boy” is not going to endear you to the troops. Especially when said bottle of champagne had not long come out of the fridge and was chilling in the bucket. Dude, we know what we're doing. There are other things that Mr VW liked to do to wind up the staff. Take for example the day when he kept coming up to the service area because the carafe of water was running low on the table. Yes, we'd noticed. Yes, we were topping up a fresh carafe. No, I don't need you to tell me and no, I don't need you to bring up the near empty one. This is our job... this is what we do.

Cold enought for you?!

This sort of stuff is never done in the same manner as the down-to-earth group, it was done as a show. It was done for the benefit of the others in the room to show how he felt about the service. This is what the second lot of money people are like though. They want to make a show and let you know that they earn considerably more than you.

Oh and don't even get me started on the dietary requirements that they throw at you. It's like the beginning of a joke... 'A vegetarian, a gluten free person and a 'no red meat' person walk into a chalet...'

The third group of people, those with just enough money, are hilarious. You can spot them a mile off. They're the type of people that rent a car and drive themselves over from the airport. The cost of a transfer scares them, but they're never going to drive down to the Alps. And when I say car – it's got to be something obscure. The best, that I've ever seen, was a couple rocking up in a rented Ford Transit. I mean, how much stuff do you need for a week?

You can also tell this group once you're inside the chalet. Free glass of champagne with canapés? Brilliant, we'll have one before in the hot tub, one with canapés and then we'll see if we can get a refill as well. Wine at the table during dinner service? Excellent, we'll see how many bottles we can get them to open during the course of the night and we'll also make sure that we take a glass or two down to the bedroom. Free, complimentary little bottle of shampoo and conditioner? Right, we'll use up the first lot, ask for a second lot and then take the bottles off home with us. The best thing about that is the fact that the shampoo and conditioner bottle are filled by the staff. Usually hungover and usually in a darkened room, so chances are one bottle is fabric softener and the other is washing up liquid. Jokes on you guys...

To be honest, I know these guys are out here for a good time, but ultimately don't take the staff for a ride. No matter much or how little you have in your bank account.

At the end of the day, we're all here for the same thing – the mountain and the snow. And if you think about it, we're the ones doing it the right way. We live out here for 18 weeks, get paid to do so and can pretty much ski or board every day if we weren't so drunk all the time. So next time you have to smile at somebody who has just asked for the most ridiculous of things, just think about that and you'll be laughing on the inside.

Festive Festival Festivities!!

It's that time of year again when all the holidays and festivities come round at once. Back home it's pretty nice – you get to see family, friends, give & receive presents, sit around, watch Doctor Who or the Downton Christmas Special and consume your body weight in Quality Street and mince pies.

Out here it's the complete reverse – family and friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. You're left to the mercy of Skype to stay in contact. And, let's be honest, despite what the adverts say, it really is shit. Staying in contact with home is difficult at the best of times, but when you want to see everybody at Christmas, a pixilated, jerky image with 10 second delay on the sound really doesn't cut it. We might as well go back to carrier pigeons and photos.

Friends are a different matter. Yes, there are people out here that you can go and have a beer with... Grolsch or Peroni being your only choices unless you want to delve into the delights of Genepi or Limoncello (think toilet duck mixed with paint stripper being sold under the Tesco Value brand and you get the picture), but they aren't your proper friends yet. Think about it – you've known them 3 weeks at most – these aren't the friends that you've made over the course of months or years. To quote Nev from The Call Centre, “Some will. Some won't. So what. Next”. Some of the dudes and dudettes that I've met out here will be great friends for years to come. Some will be swiftly (or not so swiftly) forgotten. It doesn't matter though, there's always the summer and next winter for the same scenario to rise again.

It sounds harsh. It's not meant to be. It's just reflective of the scenario that seasons produce.

Red Wine + Candy... what's not to like?

Giving and receiving presents? Yeah? No... Unless you're one of the few that manages to get a gift parcel sent out from parents, it's never going to happen. Or you might have managed to get a present into your luggage when you first came out, but truly, are you really going to sacrifice weight and space from your 23kgs when you've got to bring 5 months of stuff out here?

There was talk a week or so ago of doing a secret Santa amongst the staff – a nice idea on the surface. However, there are two shops in resort plus a couple of over priced ski shops. A budget of €5 will probably get you a bar of Milka and an 'I O U' to the store owner.

Oh and who wants to sit around and watch Doctor Who or the Downton Christmas Special? Never going to happen. You'll be spending your Christmas Day making sure the guests get the Christmas that they have paid for and want. Their want and demands usually out-weigh what they have paid for the trip though. There will be some of you that manage to get out on the mountain in the middle of the day, but it comes at a price. Yes, you'll be able to say that you skied or boarded on Christmas Day, but by the end of dinner service you will be dead on your feet.

Folks back home won't understand two other, very important, factors when it comes to the holidays out here. The first is that they bypass you. Christmas Day is spent working – it's just another day. You end up having some form of Christmas Dinner a few days later. I say 'form' as there probably won't be any turkey knocking around resort, but it's not that special a day. New Year's Day will be spent doing the usual – literally. You'll be in work with a hangover and fuck all sleep. It's no different to any other day of the season.

The second point is that it doesn't feel like Christmas. If you're home for Christmas you are bombarded with adverts, the office party, the television schedule, pretty much everything is geared towards it. Out here is a little bubble. A lack of British television (and time to watch it) combined with the fact that there aren't any shops, means that you don't have Christmas rammed down your throat. Even though there's snow, it still doesn't feel like Christmas.

This now just sounds like a long moan, and that was never the intention, but it's good to let people know how Christmas works for those people the other side of the counter. Now... let's go and see if I can track down some Quality Street in resort...

The beginning... not the end!!

And so it begins. Another Winter. Another season spent in the Alps with a bunch of miscreants, misfits and the miscellaneous. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Well it is, except for one small problem – winter hasn't begun this year!!

I mean, yes it's cold and yes there's some snow on the ground (enough, probably, to bring Britain to a standstill), but it's still not enough. We need tonnes of the stuff – and it's not just the resort that I'm in, pretty much the entirety of the Alps needs more snow.

This looks like a good amount to start off with...

The current scenario does make the beginning of the season very interesting and unusual. More staff in a resort that guests? Check. People taking mountain bikes up the pistes rather than tumbling down them on their skis? Check. Pubs being open, but nobody in them? Check. The list goes on...

Chatting to people around resort has taken a turn for the surreal as well. From the trailer park boys that vehemently tell you that the snow always comes – the same amount every year, but its just starting a little later this year. To the fraught resort manager who is telling you that a lot of guests are cancelling because of 'family emergencies' and that it's nothing to do with the lack of snow and their holiday insurance.

Oh and everybody has become Michael bloody Fish – “It'll snow on Friday”, “See those clouds... they're snow clouds. We'll have 3 inches before nightfall”, “I've heard it's not going to snow until January” and my favourite of all “Yeah, well, it's too cold to snow at night and too warm in the day, so basically we're fucked”.

That's what happens though, you end up going one of too ways – start believing that winter is coming and it's going to happen sharpish. Or you end up believing that it's never going to happen and we might as well go and swap our board pants for board shorts.

I like to think of myself in the first camp. So I'll sign off with a promise that I'm off to do a snow dance. What do you reckon – the larger and more exuberant the dance, the more snow that will arrive?!