Made In France...

In honour of it being Valentines Day I thought I might take the time to enlighten you all on the shenanigans and depravity that occurs during the winter months. They (whoever they may be) always say that sexual activity increases during the cold months of the year. I've no idea if this is due to the lack of decent television, the increased need for warmth with another person, or if it's just because the nights are long and people get bored.

Now, for this post, all names have been changed, so much so that I'll be using the code-names that my room-mate and I have come up with for everybody. These new names are reflective of all parties involved and to be fair we only came up with them so that we can sit at the bar and discuss them whilst they are sat right next to us. It's genius if you ask me. But, being the egotistical maniacs that the pair of us are, we have named ourselves Sherlock and Watson – there's a lot of detective work involved in working out who is shagging who and, to be honest, neither of us look like Dalziel or Pascoe!

One of my co-workers put it best the other day when she said, “It's basically like Made In Chelsea out here, everybody is fucking everybody and getting fucked over at the same time”. And, being (un)fortunate enough to have seen a couple of episodes of said programme, I know that she's not far off the money with that remark. Stick 40 or so, young, ski-fit, nubile, young people together in the same company (I'm probably not going to have the time to expand this to the entire resort) and you can guarantee that a spiders-web of sexual exploits will emerge.

Yeah?! Fuck off will that happen...

 I'm not entirely certain where to start this post, or even the best way to try and portray this to you, but I guess the best way to begin is to introduce the key characters.

First off we've got Danger Mouse. She's pretty, young and very naive. She's been code-named Danger Mouse due to her small stature and her naivety, which makes her incredibly dangerous. She also knows that she's quite pretty (aren't they always the worst?) which enables her to flirt with everybody and gain free drinks out of the majority of the men in the resort.

Danger Mouse has been causing quite the stir in resort. First off she hangs out with people she really shouldn't do (nothing to see here, folks), but then starts doing other stuff that got the attention of Sherlock & Watson. Late night trips down to the local village? Trips out for dinner, followed by the cinema and then being dropped back in resort during the small hours of the night? How about when she was walked home after a night in the pub (by random person who she really shouldn't have)? The mind definitely start to tick over when all of these things happen...

Next on the roll call is Shambles. Shambles is a decent guy, but to be honest this reflects how he's been since he arrived in resort. He takes a different approach to the rest of the bunch... instead of going to the bar and seeing what he can take home, he works his way through departments. Not only does this appear to have limited success, but it also ensures that entire departments won't talk to him any more. Very smooth work. I mentioned this to one of the bar managers the other day and his response was priceless - “I used to be known as the 'Nanny Slayer' back in my day”. So turns out it's not really a new approach. Shambles latest target is Danger Mouse (told you, she gets all of the guys after her) and it really is a lovely sight to sit back and watch Shambles compete with others for her attention and affections. We've come to the conclusion that Shambles is winning in the affection stakes, but certain others round resort are pulling ahead when it comes to attention and time spent with her.

Then there's Bambi – lovely girl, but constantly looks like a deer in the headlights. Sherlock & Watson have been trying (with varying levels of success) to get close to her, without her suspecting anything. You see, Bambi is the closest ally of Danger Mouse, and she definitely knows the ins and out of what has been happening with her pursuits. Bambi also flirts with Shambles, but she's in the wrong department so, for once, there's no traction there.

Moving to the other side of the sexual spiders web, we get to meet The Panther. He's a returnee, so he's honed his skills over the past season and a half. All of last season, and pretty much up until last week, he had a lovely girlfriend back in the UK. She even used to come out and visit for a couple of weeks each year. But this didn't/ hasn't stopped him. Last year we know that he racked it up to 5 different shags before his girlfriend even got out here. And he doesn't discriminate – you don't have to work for the company to be in his sights.

The Panther has mainly been after Little Red Riding Hood. Very similar to Danger Mouse, just less dangerous as she's not as clever. They've been off having secret little rendezvous' in empty chalets during the course of the season. Perhaps she has something though, because The Panther has finally done the right thing and split up with his girlfriend back home. To clarify, he either had to stop shagging his way around resort, or he had to split up with his girlfriend; it was the only way he was going to regain any moral dignity. And I mean ANY.

The Panther's closest friend (and partner in crime) is The Saffer. He's from South Africa (how'd you guess?!) and is constantly baked off his face. That doesn't stop him trying to work his way through the bar every night. It's like watching a shit rom-com. You know the types where the sleazy guy goes up to a girl in a bar, gets rejected, moves to her mate, gets rejected and so on... Yeah, that's pretty much his M.O. Turns out it works though – admittedly with the local French bike, but he still can claim a success.

Talking of the bar, the other piece in the jigsaw is Long Tall Sally – fuck knows where his code-name came from, but it's stuck. He's a decent enough guy and a good laugh. The main point with Long Tall Sally is that he just likes to play up to the barman stereotype and pretty much fucks anything that walks through the door. He doesn't do it in a malicious way, and I don't actually think he knows that he's doing it, but the hell is anybody going to get close to him to calm him down a bit.

Even the steady couples that do exist in resort (apparently they do) are a soap opera in themselves. The arguments are absolutely huge and very frequent, amongst all of the couples. I've seen punches thrown, bottles thrown, hair pulled, tears, blood... and that's just from the women.

There you go. That's how a winter season looks to the outsider... a mixing bowl of sexual activity that criss-crosses its way through the Alps.

I'll keep you posted on how things develop for the likes of the Long Tall Sally and The Panther, but I don't think it will calm down though. It's only going to get better (or worse depending on how you look at it).

Made In Chelsea isn't a fucking patch on this lot!!

Do You Come Here Often?

It's been a little while since my last post and my deepest apologies to those of you that have been pining at the computer screen, constantly refreshing the blog page like some 16 kid trying to get gig tickets to see the latest Simon Cowell manufactured piece of shit.

Anyway, since the snow has finally arrived (and this time is looks like it might be sticking around for a little while) I've had plenty of time to think of things to write about whilst sat on the lifts. I mean there's only some many times you can discuss the fact that there definitely wasn't this many rocks, on the mountain, this time last year. There was, but, y'know... SNOW!!

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S...

So, I came to the conclusion that I'd write a little education piece for the folks out there. I can already hear you saying “No change there then, your blogs are full of educational points”. Well this time you might actually learn something that you can take with you when you go on your next ski trip – or season. You see, the subject of choice this week is the difference between seasonnaires and holiday makers (or gits).

I've always noticed it, but this year it has been even more prevalent. There have been more open discussions between the staff about how holiday gits this year look... how to phrase this nicely? Like bigger pricks than every other year that we've been out here!! It's even reached the level where these discussions are starting to happen with the guests as well (the down to earth types, not those with too much money – they're the worst offenders).

What am I talking about? Seasonaires and guests are polar opposites and it's getting more and more extreme as the years go on. We might as well be Walter White and Jesse Pinkman – same goal, but different ways of getting there.

The easiest way of getting this across is drawing the comparisons between the two groups:-

Clothing (on the hill)

Seasonaires – The baggier the better. This is usually down to two reasons. It's either because baggier clothes are more forgiving when you've just separated your limbs after hoiking it off some 10foot drop and landed on your coccyx. All you need to do is wipe away the blood and everything is still intact (clothing wise). Or the other reason is that the XL+ stuff is usually the most reduced in the sales at the end of the season. This is also the reason why seasonaires stuff will be a complete mix match – it's either been put together in the sales or they've found stuff on the hill or after changeover. You will also, rarely, see a seasonaire without goggles on – sunglasses aren't for the mountain.

The only things left in the 'end of season sale' weren't really ideal...

Holiday Gits – Baggy clothing is dirty. Fitted jackets and ski pants are the order of the day. They are either colour coordinated (pink and white for the women, blue and yellow for the chaps) or they wear the same colour – usually black. Oh and the other approach is to wear matching designs on the top and bottom half. A classic example of this is the snowboard clothing company called Picture. Nothing against them (I'd love a set of their board pants, but they're just too damn expensive), but the amount of people you see with the top and bottom halves matching in Picture stuff. You just look a special type of idiot! A helmet is a must, but to be fair this can be said for both sets of groups (we just have more stickers). The only real difference being is that a git will have their goggles on top of their helmets and will be riding in their sunglasses. Where's the protection there dipshit? Plus you look like a right... well... helmet.

Clothing (in resort)

Seasonaires – Jeans, hoodies, woolly hat, bandanna and skate shoes. That's your lot. I guess we are limited by the amount of luggage that we're able to bring away with us for 5 months, unless you drive out. But I feel that we take the approach that if it's functional and has a purpose we'll use it over and over again. We're all in the same boat and it's certainly not a fashion parade out here, so nobody judges what you wear. Shoes are also a funny one – as I said to one of the maintenance lads last week, I've brought more woolly hats with me than I have shoes. I've got a pair for the chalet, trainers to wear around resort and my ski boots, but I've got 5 different hats. Fairly certain he has a similar set up. What makes this even more amusing is the fact that because we don't care about how we look you can spot us a mile off. I went to another resort this week, walked into the bar, ordered a pint and the barman just looked at me and said “It's only €4 for seasonnaires”. I'd never been in that pub before in my life.

Holiday Gits – Walk round resort like it's a fucking catwalk in Milan. The sunglasses are way too large and definitely not as functional as those that the rest of us wear. “Ah, I see you spent £400 on a set of diamond encrusted, saucepan lids for your face, madam – be sure not to slip over on the ice in your fucking wedge shoes, you might slip and break them”. That's the next thing, you can spot holiday gits by the shoes that they wear. They tend to wear snow boots that aren't in the least bit practical. Yes they have good grip on them, but fur round the top? Really? In the Alps? You'd think that they might realise that when you get snow on your boots and it melts, fur ends up being disgustingly cold and crusty. Nice. There's the other breed that walk round in those god-awful moon boots. The less said about those the better. The rest of their attire tends to be similar to what they wear on the slopes, but with more sparkle. Fitted jackets, trousers, hats, gloves, neck warmers, socks...

On The Piss(te)

Seasonaires – We rock up at the bar at 11pm because that's when the majority of us have finished work. And lets be honest, we're already well on our way. You're slightly weird if you're a seasonaire and you're not clearing up service whilst having a mug or two of chalet wine. It's only going to be poured down the sink if you don't! Seasonaires have, by this point of the year, worked out several things. The most important two being, how much they can drink and still make it in to work in the morning and, the best/ cheapest drinks to get them there. Red wine in the bar is only €2.50 a glass (and if you charm the bar staff they'll serve you it in a Leffe Beer glass; much bigger), whereas a pint is €5.60. You do the math. We also know which nights are a good shout to go down and get free shots, whether that be from the bar owner, some random guests or the bar staff because they're sick of said owner taking the piss out of them.

Did somebody say free??

Holiday Gits – They tend to head down to the bar a little earlier in the night. Usually because they can't be arsed to cook so they've gone to sample the local cuisine. Nothing better than burger and chips to get the true taste of France. But that's where they go wrong, because they end up thinking that they're back in the UK, so they start drinking shots and shorts. Which is fine, but when you're pushing €10 for a rum and coke, you're going to get a few looks. I guess they don't care, because they're on holiday and if you can't have a blow out on holiday when can you!! It's just another note in point that there is a gulf in how seasonnaires and holiday gits conduct themselves.

Not all of this is the same for every resort, but as I've mentioned previously, the clients that we tend to get here are those looking for something more 'high-end' so we don't get the students and lads holidays.

It's a funny situation to be in once you realise you're in it and you can see the two camps taking form. But, for the sake of us all having a nice time, take note and make some changes when you next go skiing:-

1. It's not a fucking fashion parade – on or off the slopes.
2. Just because you have the latest and most expensive gear it does not make you King of the Hill. Some of the knarliest things I've seen out here have been done by guys and gals whose kit is being held together by gaffer tape and is baggier than your average West Brom fan.
3. Drink responsibly – i.e. stop spending all your money on shit drinks. Nobody thinks you're the big man.
4. Talk to seasonaires. We probably know much more about the resort and hill than you give us credit for.

Right, I'm off to grab myself a Bien Vu Beer (cheapest of the cheap beer) and a bottle of leftover chalet plonk. Till next time...

Guess The Guest...

So, that's it... the busiest part of the season has been, shafted us and promptly left. If you're still standing at the end of it you've done well. We've already lost a chef and, considering it's only three and a bit weeks into the season, you get a picture of how stressful it can be.

But who/ what is it that makes it so stressful during this early weeks? The lack of snow is certainly a contributing factor, but in all honesty it's the guests. I know, I know... they're the reason we are all out here – they pay our wages and keep the ski industry going, but seriously?! Some of them can take a running leap off the local ski jump. Preferably with no skis on and 3 metre thick ice at the bottom.

Now, it's not fair to tarnish all guests with the same brush so I'll try and give a little breakdown of the types of people that you get in resort. More to the point, I'll give you a run down of the types of people that you get going on a ski holiday with a company that attracts “higher clientèle”.

My resort is fairly small and the nightlife consists of about 3 bars. You can reduce that by one when you consider that one is French owned, so the hospitality in there for Brits is similar to when Edward Snowdon walked into his bosses office and said, “I think I've noticed something dodgy”. All of this means that the usual uni groups and lad tours don't happen in this resort, so they can be discounted.

It's not the amount of bars, but what you do that matters...

The majority of people that we do get in resort are down to earth people just looking for a nice break in the Alps. They're polite, don't get too irate if there's a queue and when they go out, it's for a laugh. Mind you, the French would probably look at it a different way seeing as nobody bothers to learn the local lingo.

So who else do you get coming to resort? Well when you work for a company that is charging more than a seasons wages, per person, for guests to stop over New Year or Christmas you get a different class of dickhead. When you get to this bracket you get 3 types of people – no money, money and just about enough money.

The first group are awesome – they tend to save up all year to come away for a week skiing, but they want to do it with a bit of style, rather than slumming it and living off Super-U pizzas for the week. They tend to be the most down to earth people that you'll meet all season. They can't be arsed with having their afternoon tea in a fancy cup and saucer and the most likely thing they will say is “just stick with a mug all week”. They go out of their way to help the hosts and chefs... they'll bring their glasses back over after having a few drinks in the evening. They'll let the chef know (weeks in advance) of what they can and cannot eat. Most of the time they eat everything and don't really have any dietary requirements. Put simply, they're the guest that you want all season.

The second group of people are an interesting bunch and can be separated down into two sub sections. You've got those that earn their money through hard work and those that just sort of fell into money. The first lot are a good bunch. They understand that we work our asses off for them to have a good holiday so they don't take the piss. Yes, they know that they can have wine, but they don't try and drink the chalet dry. They let you know subtly what they do and don't like. What they want and what they don't want. These are the guys that don't want to embarrass the staff.

The second sub-set are similar in not taking the piss with drinking the wine, etc. but it's the way they conduct themselves that sets them apart.

I've had a guest this season – let's call him Mr VW since he bangs on about polo all the time – that is a classic example of the second bunch. He doesn't drink lots of wine, why should he? He can afford to drink as much as he likes at home, but it's the way he does it that annoys people. Coming up to the staff and saying “I think your champagne needs chilling old boy” is not going to endear you to the troops. Especially when said bottle of champagne had not long come out of the fridge and was chilling in the bucket. Dude, we know what we're doing. There are other things that Mr VW liked to do to wind up the staff. Take for example the day when he kept coming up to the service area because the carafe of water was running low on the table. Yes, we'd noticed. Yes, we were topping up a fresh carafe. No, I don't need you to tell me and no, I don't need you to bring up the near empty one. This is our job... this is what we do.

Cold enought for you?!

This sort of stuff is never done in the same manner as the down-to-earth group, it was done as a show. It was done for the benefit of the others in the room to show how he felt about the service. This is what the second lot of money people are like though. They want to make a show and let you know that they earn considerably more than you.

Oh and don't even get me started on the dietary requirements that they throw at you. It's like the beginning of a joke... 'A vegetarian, a gluten free person and a 'no red meat' person walk into a chalet...'

The third group of people, those with just enough money, are hilarious. You can spot them a mile off. They're the type of people that rent a car and drive themselves over from the airport. The cost of a transfer scares them, but they're never going to drive down to the Alps. And when I say car – it's got to be something obscure. The best, that I've ever seen, was a couple rocking up in a rented Ford Transit. I mean, how much stuff do you need for a week?

You can also tell this group once you're inside the chalet. Free glass of champagne with canapés? Brilliant, we'll have one before in the hot tub, one with canapés and then we'll see if we can get a refill as well. Wine at the table during dinner service? Excellent, we'll see how many bottles we can get them to open during the course of the night and we'll also make sure that we take a glass or two down to the bedroom. Free, complimentary little bottle of shampoo and conditioner? Right, we'll use up the first lot, ask for a second lot and then take the bottles off home with us. The best thing about that is the fact that the shampoo and conditioner bottle are filled by the staff. Usually hungover and usually in a darkened room, so chances are one bottle is fabric softener and the other is washing up liquid. Jokes on you guys...

To be honest, I know these guys are out here for a good time, but ultimately don't take the staff for a ride. No matter much or how little you have in your bank account.

At the end of the day, we're all here for the same thing – the mountain and the snow. And if you think about it, we're the ones doing it the right way. We live out here for 18 weeks, get paid to do so and can pretty much ski or board every day if we weren't so drunk all the time. So next time you have to smile at somebody who has just asked for the most ridiculous of things, just think about that and you'll be laughing on the inside.

Festive Festival Festivities!!

It's that time of year again when all the holidays and festivities come round at once. Back home it's pretty nice – you get to see family, friends, give & receive presents, sit around, watch Doctor Who or the Downton Christmas Special and consume your body weight in Quality Street and mince pies.

Out here it's the complete reverse – family and friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. You're left to the mercy of Skype to stay in contact. And, let's be honest, despite what the adverts say, it really is shit. Staying in contact with home is difficult at the best of times, but when you want to see everybody at Christmas, a pixilated, jerky image with 10 second delay on the sound really doesn't cut it. We might as well go back to carrier pigeons and photos.

Friends are a different matter. Yes, there are people out here that you can go and have a beer with... Grolsch or Peroni being your only choices unless you want to delve into the delights of Genepi or Limoncello (think toilet duck mixed with paint stripper being sold under the Tesco Value brand and you get the picture), but they aren't your proper friends yet. Think about it – you've known them 3 weeks at most – these aren't the friends that you've made over the course of months or years. To quote Nev from The Call Centre, “Some will. Some won't. So what. Next”. Some of the dudes and dudettes that I've met out here will be great friends for years to come. Some will be swiftly (or not so swiftly) forgotten. It doesn't matter though, there's always the summer and next winter for the same scenario to rise again.

It sounds harsh. It's not meant to be. It's just reflective of the scenario that seasons produce.

Red Wine + Candy... what's not to like?

Giving and receiving presents? Yeah? No... Unless you're one of the few that manages to get a gift parcel sent out from parents, it's never going to happen. Or you might have managed to get a present into your luggage when you first came out, but truly, are you really going to sacrifice weight and space from your 23kgs when you've got to bring 5 months of stuff out here?

There was talk a week or so ago of doing a secret Santa amongst the staff – a nice idea on the surface. However, there are two shops in resort plus a couple of over priced ski shops. A budget of €5 will probably get you a bar of Milka and an 'I O U' to the store owner.

Oh and who wants to sit around and watch Doctor Who or the Downton Christmas Special? Never going to happen. You'll be spending your Christmas Day making sure the guests get the Christmas that they have paid for and want. Their want and demands usually out-weigh what they have paid for the trip though. There will be some of you that manage to get out on the mountain in the middle of the day, but it comes at a price. Yes, you'll be able to say that you skied or boarded on Christmas Day, but by the end of dinner service you will be dead on your feet.

Folks back home won't understand two other, very important, factors when it comes to the holidays out here. The first is that they bypass you. Christmas Day is spent working – it's just another day. You end up having some form of Christmas Dinner a few days later. I say 'form' as there probably won't be any turkey knocking around resort, but it's not that special a day. New Year's Day will be spent doing the usual – literally. You'll be in work with a hangover and fuck all sleep. It's no different to any other day of the season.

The second point is that it doesn't feel like Christmas. If you're home for Christmas you are bombarded with adverts, the office party, the television schedule, pretty much everything is geared towards it. Out here is a little bubble. A lack of British television (and time to watch it) combined with the fact that there aren't any shops, means that you don't have Christmas rammed down your throat. Even though there's snow, it still doesn't feel like Christmas.

This now just sounds like a long moan, and that was never the intention, but it's good to let people know how Christmas works for those people the other side of the counter. Now... let's go and see if I can track down some Quality Street in resort...