Guess The Guest...

So, that's it... the busiest part of the season has been, shafted us and promptly left. If you're still standing at the end of it you've done well. We've already lost a chef and, considering it's only three and a bit weeks into the season, you get a picture of how stressful it can be.

But who/ what is it that makes it so stressful during this early weeks? The lack of snow is certainly a contributing factor, but in all honesty it's the guests. I know, I know... they're the reason we are all out here – they pay our wages and keep the ski industry going, but seriously?! Some of them can take a running leap off the local ski jump. Preferably with no skis on and 3 metre thick ice at the bottom.

Now, it's not fair to tarnish all guests with the same brush so I'll try and give a little breakdown of the types of people that you get in resort. More to the point, I'll give you a run down of the types of people that you get going on a ski holiday with a company that attracts “higher clientèle”.

My resort is fairly small and the nightlife consists of about 3 bars. You can reduce that by one when you consider that one is French owned, so the hospitality in there for Brits is similar to when Edward Snowdon walked into his bosses office and said, “I think I've noticed something dodgy”. All of this means that the usual uni groups and lad tours don't happen in this resort, so they can be discounted.

It's not the amount of bars, but what you do that matters...

The majority of people that we do get in resort are down to earth people just looking for a nice break in the Alps. They're polite, don't get too irate if there's a queue and when they go out, it's for a laugh. Mind you, the French would probably look at it a different way seeing as nobody bothers to learn the local lingo.

So who else do you get coming to resort? Well when you work for a company that is charging more than a seasons wages, per person, for guests to stop over New Year or Christmas you get a different class of dickhead. When you get to this bracket you get 3 types of people – no money, money and just about enough money.

The first group are awesome – they tend to save up all year to come away for a week skiing, but they want to do it with a bit of style, rather than slumming it and living off Super-U pizzas for the week. They tend to be the most down to earth people that you'll meet all season. They can't be arsed with having their afternoon tea in a fancy cup and saucer and the most likely thing they will say is “just stick with a mug all week”. They go out of their way to help the hosts and chefs... they'll bring their glasses back over after having a few drinks in the evening. They'll let the chef know (weeks in advance) of what they can and cannot eat. Most of the time they eat everything and don't really have any dietary requirements. Put simply, they're the guest that you want all season.

The second group of people are an interesting bunch and can be separated down into two sub sections. You've got those that earn their money through hard work and those that just sort of fell into money. The first lot are a good bunch. They understand that we work our asses off for them to have a good holiday so they don't take the piss. Yes, they know that they can have wine, but they don't try and drink the chalet dry. They let you know subtly what they do and don't like. What they want and what they don't want. These are the guys that don't want to embarrass the staff.

The second sub-set are similar in not taking the piss with drinking the wine, etc. but it's the way they conduct themselves that sets them apart.

I've had a guest this season – let's call him Mr VW since he bangs on about polo all the time – that is a classic example of the second bunch. He doesn't drink lots of wine, why should he? He can afford to drink as much as he likes at home, but it's the way he does it that annoys people. Coming up to the staff and saying “I think your champagne needs chilling old boy” is not going to endear you to the troops. Especially when said bottle of champagne had not long come out of the fridge and was chilling in the bucket. Dude, we know what we're doing. There are other things that Mr VW liked to do to wind up the staff. Take for example the day when he kept coming up to the service area because the carafe of water was running low on the table. Yes, we'd noticed. Yes, we were topping up a fresh carafe. No, I don't need you to tell me and no, I don't need you to bring up the near empty one. This is our job... this is what we do.

Cold enought for you?!

This sort of stuff is never done in the same manner as the down-to-earth group, it was done as a show. It was done for the benefit of the others in the room to show how he felt about the service. This is what the second lot of money people are like though. They want to make a show and let you know that they earn considerably more than you.

Oh and don't even get me started on the dietary requirements that they throw at you. It's like the beginning of a joke... 'A vegetarian, a gluten free person and a 'no red meat' person walk into a chalet...'

The third group of people, those with just enough money, are hilarious. You can spot them a mile off. They're the type of people that rent a car and drive themselves over from the airport. The cost of a transfer scares them, but they're never going to drive down to the Alps. And when I say car – it's got to be something obscure. The best, that I've ever seen, was a couple rocking up in a rented Ford Transit. I mean, how much stuff do you need for a week?

You can also tell this group once you're inside the chalet. Free glass of champagne with canapés? Brilliant, we'll have one before in the hot tub, one with canapés and then we'll see if we can get a refill as well. Wine at the table during dinner service? Excellent, we'll see how many bottles we can get them to open during the course of the night and we'll also make sure that we take a glass or two down to the bedroom. Free, complimentary little bottle of shampoo and conditioner? Right, we'll use up the first lot, ask for a second lot and then take the bottles off home with us. The best thing about that is the fact that the shampoo and conditioner bottle are filled by the staff. Usually hungover and usually in a darkened room, so chances are one bottle is fabric softener and the other is washing up liquid. Jokes on you guys...

To be honest, I know these guys are out here for a good time, but ultimately don't take the staff for a ride. No matter much or how little you have in your bank account.

At the end of the day, we're all here for the same thing – the mountain and the snow. And if you think about it, we're the ones doing it the right way. We live out here for 18 weeks, get paid to do so and can pretty much ski or board every day if we weren't so drunk all the time. So next time you have to smile at somebody who has just asked for the most ridiculous of things, just think about that and you'll be laughing on the inside.