Fantastic Food & Fanatical Fads.

Truth be told, I started writing this blog post a while back, but tiredness and other factors got in the way of writing (House of Cards is seriously addictive). Today, however, I have decided to come back from skiing, forego happy hour and try to complete this post. It also helps that I've finished all the box-sets that I want to watch (for the time being), the weather is howling outside and I've got Gary Clarke Jr. playing the blues through my headphones.

I also feel that I should also issue a grovelling apology to the assembled masses for the wait that they have had to endure since the last post. It's the sort of apology that Jeremy Clarkson should have issued after the 30-odd seconds of sustained violence he dished out because he had to make do with a sandwich, or the sort that I should have been given by my guests last week when their shitty little kid decided to throw up all round the chalet... “Sorry about that”. I mean it's not as sincere as “I'm sorry”, but at least it's a token effort.

Anyway...

I hate people. It's true... I really do. I don't mean my friends, they tend to understand that I don't see them as part of the masses, so they know I don't hate them. No, the people I am talking about are those that you see every day – down the pub, at work, on the commute to work, on the television, on the slopes, in the fucking shops, the list goes on.

I explained this to my boss when I arrived out here. I point blank told him that I didn't like people and considering he'd just hired me on a long-term basis, this was possibly a risky move. Turns out it was spot on. He hates people too.

All of us out here work in the hospitality industry (good way to make a ski season sound shit, I know), but it means that we potentially come into contact with more people than your average joe. Not just in a passing way, but having to look after all of their whims and fancies. And, trust me, there are loads of them.

Now, the company that I work for has made a mistake. It's not a big one and they probably don't know that it exists, but it's a fucking pain in the arse each and every single week. Since we are (supposedly) a high end company, with reindeer tat filled chalets and massive pepper grinders, we politely ask the customers (before they arrive) if they have any dietary requirements. This is so that the chefs can prep and make any necessary adjustments to their menu plan for the upcoming week. Yeah? Fail.

This opens us up to all sorts and completely pisses on the chefs and their meticulously planned menus (coming up with a menu during dinner prep counts as meticulous, right?).

Is that enough fruit for you?!

I understand that there are allergies and intolerances out there, and with such people it is duly noted and catered for. Some of these people are complete idiots though, but that's beside the point. We've definitely had people turn up and let us know just before dinner that they have a severe nut allergy and are likely to swell up to the size of sperm whale if they come within 500m of a peanut. This can 't be helped and it is important that we make sure everything is sorted for them.

No, it's the other lot that I truly hate. Those that are on some fad fucking diet and have an inability to let it slide for a week. YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY, PEOPLE – LET IT GO!!! Each week we get given our manifest on the guests that are arriving the week after. Each week our heart sinks, our heads drop a little and we spend a good couple of days swearing about it to anybody that will listen.

When I talk about fad diets I mean those that come around for a few months, screw with people's kidneys and livers and then fuck off again into the next issue of OK or wherever they come from. I swear those people that request a “gluten free diet” have only developed the fad over the past couple of years and definitely could have a bit of bread or something.. it won't kill them. Obviously Coeliacs are a different case, but y'know that put that down on their requirements – “Coeliac” not “Gluten Free Diet”.

Then there are the sugar free wankers. Yes, I do appreciate that there is a lot of unnecessary sugar in modern life and if we are able to cut it out then that's a good thing, but a week of eating normally isn't going to do that much harm to you.

My favourites though are the fusspots – they've got nothing wrong with them, they just eat a fucking weird diet when they're at home and they expect us to cater for it when they come away. A prime example of this came a couple of weeks ago when we had a family stop with us for the week. Before they arrived we were sent an A4 sheet of paper of their requirements (that's one side of A4 for each member of the family don't you know) and we had quite a laugh at their ridiculous requests. The pick of the bunch was on the list for the kid - “reduced sugar and salt baked beans”, but further down the list was “ice-cream, preferably vanilla”. I shit you not!! Let's think about that for a moment. For starters where are we supposed to get reduced sugar and salt beans – we operate in the fucking mountains and the selection available to us for delivery isn't great. Think Tesco the evening before is shuts for Christmas Day – nothing on the shelves & screaming kids sat in the middle of aisles and you get the picture. But, they go on to say that vanilla ice-cream is okay for their 7 year old shit. HOW MUCH SUGAR DO YOU THINK THERE IS IN ICE-CREAM YOU FUCKTARTS!!

It's this sort of behaviour that fucks me off. The diets make no sense whatsoever. They are just fads and fancies and will be forgotten in a couple of months.

You're not going to forget this apple though...

This is the thing that I ask – rather than letting people dictate what they want, just ask them if they have any allergies or intolerances. That covers those people that would actually have a problem if they came into contact with a certain food, but also lets the rest know that they can fuck off and eat the wonderful food that is being prepared for them.

Maybe I'm weird though... I'll eat anything. Expect Marmite. I fucking hate Marmite.