A-Z of Seasons: Part 1

All of my blog posts so far this season have been rants and moans about anything and everything, so I thought I'd inject some positivity and change it up a little. Apologies in advance if that makes this blog post a little shit.

I thought I'd go for an A-Z of seasons. 26 or so points about living in the mountains for 6 months of the year. At time of writing I've still nothing for 'Z' so 26 might be a little optimistic.

'A' is for Après (and Avalanches)

If you're not hitting après after each and every riding session, then you're doing it wrong. Trust me, there is something special about stumbling home in the small hours, ski boots skill on, skis over your shoulder, knowing that you're going to be in work in a couple of hours.

Do it properly...

Avalanches. We had a saying about them a couple of years back... “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. That and avalanches!”. Nuff said.

'B' is for Boarders

They reckon they're the coolest on the mountain and they've probably got a point. Most likely to be found chucking themselves off rock faces or over trees. If not, then you'll find them in the pub, telling anybody who'll listen about their latest attempt at a 'proper gnarly backside 540 over the top wind-lip' (trust me, they actually do speak like that). They are also the most likely not to make it through the entire season due to self inflicted injuries.

'C' is for Chairlifts

You have to get on them if you want to get anywhere in resort that doesn't involve a shitty button lift. They start off with some fancy auto-scanner that will pick up your lift-pass and allow you to progress to the next level. Chances are it won't scan it and you'll spend 5 minutes furiously rubbing your pocket against the thing in an attempt to get passage. In the end you'll give up and climb over it.

Then you'll get to stand in the gates waiting for them to open and allow you through to the actual seats. Imagine the start of a horse race, but with bigger men and a distinct lack of horses. Once you've been let through, you will will stand in a position to allow the seats to scoop you up and take you on your journey to the fairy land above the clouds.

If you're lucky, your chairlift will have been built within the past 15 years and it'll be a nice transition between standing and sitting. Chances are you won't be lucky and the thing will come round at the speed of a thousand gazelles and clean out the back of your legs like an old granny whacking you on the back of your legs with her walking stick.

You'll then have a nice pleasant journey up the mountain (unless it's pissing it down with snow and then you'll end up looking like the abominable snowman when you get off the thing.

The bit in the middle can be quite nice...

Then comes the disembarking stage. Rule #1 – DON'T TRUST ANYBODY. Chances are you'll be sat next to a boarder or a learner and their sole reason for existence (in the next 20 seconds) is to clean you out and make sure the lift stops because you've ended up upside down in the safety net.

It happens, folks. Stay safe.

'D' is for Dinner

Dinner will come in one of several formats – leftover food from your dinner service with the guests. Leftover food from kids dinner (usually home homely stuff because, y'know kids don't like fuss). Some form of sandwich or wrap (grated cheese, ham, and lettuce being a personal favourite). Cereal. Or, if you've been on the mountain all day – a chocolate bar on the last lift before hitting après.

'E' is for Earnings

If you are savvy, you will finish the season with the same amount of money as you started it with. Your wages and (if you're lucky enough to get them) tips will cover you, but bare in mind that a pint in the Alps probably costs the same as one in London (even with seasonaire discount) so you're probably better off drinking at home.

Also, cake. Cake is a fantastic way of reducing your expenditure. Take leftover cake into the ski shop and they might knock a bit of your next ski wax. Take it into the bar and they might give you a couple of free shots when you're next on the piss. Take it to your boss and he might let you off that disgusting hangover you rocked into work with yesterday.

'F' is for Fucking

It happens. A lot. In the literal sense (as well being fucked over by the guests and bosses), which is both surprising and not at the same time. On the one hand you have a bunch of 20 something chucked together into a close knit environment for 6 months – what do you expect to happen?! Especially as everybody tends to get fitter over the course of the season. But at the same time, pretty much everybody shares their room with at least one other, has a shitty single bed and works the most unsociable hours known. Turns out people come up with some brilliant solutions to make sure their wanton desires are fulfilled.

'G' is for G.N.A.R

Or the 'Game of G.N.A.R' if you want to be specific. There's a video about it and everything. If you haven't seen it, you can watch it here. Basically it's all about doing the daftest and most ridiculous of things on the mountain, but at the end of the day having fun. And if you want to have a good season – take G.N.A.R to heart!

'H' is for 'Hiking'

If you're serious about your riding, this is what you need to do. Strap your board/ skis to your back, look at the nearest face with lines on (or not, your choice) and decide that the best use of your time for the next couple of hours is to hike up there, exposed to the elements, with a sheer drop on either side and with rapidly thinning air. You'll be blowing out of your arse by the time you get to the drop in and your legs will be screaming at you, but those lines will be the most rewarding of the season... You'll get to the bottom and wonder why you doubted yourself on the hike.

It always looks less when you start off..

Hiking is what truly brings the mountain alive.

'I' is for Ice

Skiers can just about tolerate it, boarders detest it with a passion and both can agree that face planting the piste, because of a bit of ice, hurts like hell. It usually turns up just when you least want it, causes you to pray to a higher deity and then ensures that your board pants turn a nice shade of brown.

It's also the thing that you're most likely to have run out of when somebody comes in and orders 15 fucking gin & tonics.

J is for 'Jumps'

This can range from little ones that you start off with, right through to those huge kickers that you see on the latest ski film. Most of the time if you are going to do a jump you plan it, however they -can occur when riding – especially when off-piste or riding through slush at the end of the season (you will take off more times that you will care for when hitting clumps of slush).

K is for 'Kickers'

No, not those shitty shoes that your parents bought you when you were at primary school, but rather big wedges of snow that your throw yourself off. They range from little ones that you build with a shovel, through to massive kickers that the professionals build with piste-bashers..

Just remember, if you're going to build one yourself, don't put it on a flat landing. That shit'll hurt!!

L is for 'Lifties'

Heroes of the mountain. These are the folks that get up before everybody else, go and blow up the unsafe off-piste, open the lifts and generally make sure everything for the season.

They've also been known to give people lifts back between resorts, in the back of pick-up trucks, in the worst driving conditions, professing that they are in fact Sebastien Loeb, whilst drifting the thing round corners. I can personally vouch for this happening!!

M is for 'Mountains'

This is where you live. For 6 months of the year. What isn't there to like about that?! You're healthier due to living at altitude (though you are likely to negate that with beer, shots and cake), you have one hell of a commute to work and you have a complete playground at your doorstep.

If you ever start feeling homesick, put 'England' on by The National – sounds even better when sat on your balcony watching the world trickle by.

How would you get bored of a view like that?!

That's it for this blog post – Part 2 will be up in a few days time. However, right now there is a party in the Trailer Park that I MUST attend. Plus I figured you wouldn't want to read all 26 in one sitting. That's like having too much of a good thing in one go.

Till next time.