A-Z of Seasons: Part 2

How was that then?! I hope you enjoyed the first part of the A-Z of seasons. And if you didn't, well.. shit.. lighten up a bit!! Now for the second part...

'N' is for Neige

That would be the French for snow. Not as important word as you may think for a group of people living in the mountains during winter. However, the British have taken it upon themselves to integrate this word into their vocab. “It's neiging!” and “Where the fuck is the neige?!” are now common phrases amongst seasonaires. It's all about learning the local lingo you see...

If this isn't a thing in your local resort, get with the times and make it so.

Now that's what you call neige...

'O' is for Onesie

This one was a tough call. It was either 'off-piste' or 'onesie' and in the end the latter prevailed, because let's be honest, who the hell doesn't like a onesie. There are the old French dudes that rock the '80s style on the slopes – complete with headband and bumbag, through to the modern types that rock Willerfinders (seriously, check them out, they're cool!).

Never forget though… Onesies Wednesdays are a thing. You should always take part where possible.

All about the onesie...

'P' is for Piste

These are the nicely grooved, corduroy looking, freshly bashed, motorway looking things that snake their way down the mountain. Some resorts have hundreds of them, whereas others… not so much. They're graded from green to black.

Green Runs tend to be flat and for beginners. Blue Runs are a little steeper and full of ski schools (ideal for 'ski school slalom'). Red Runs are for those of you that are more advanced and want to hurtle down the mountain faster than your average avalanche and Black Runs… well you either have to be pretty good, pretty stupid or pretty naive. Some of the Black Runs I've come across are both awesome and shit scary at the same time.

'Q' is for Queues

You hate them in the normal world, you'll hate them out here as well. Not only do they take up your precious time whilst waiting to get back up the mountain, but they provide the perfect environment for your inner rage to develop. Especially when it comes to the holiday periods. Try standing in a queue for 15 minutes whilst listening to some ernest shite-bag talking about how they are trying to make sure that Little Timmy gets the best training he can to push forward to the British Ski Team… Yeah? You're from Surrey and Little Timmy has two left feet. Fuck Off.

You'll also develop excellent pole skills. As in, you'll be able to subtly hint to people that you enjoy your personal space and that's not the snow that they're standing on, but your skis. Seriously, people standing on your skis will drive you psychopathic.

'R' is for Reindeer

If the chalet/ apartment you are stopping in doesn't have at least one picture of a reindeer in it, well, the interior designer/ owner isn't doing their job properly.

The more, the better. Preferably not just pictures as well… Statues, heads mounted on the wall, keyrings for the room keys, paintings, prints, door-knockers. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that the greater the amount of reindeer tat in your chalet, the classier it is as an establishment.

How about a picture of a painting of a reindeer...

'S' is for Skiers

Yes, I know this is an obvious and boring slot, but we had one for boarders so it's only fair that we have one for skiers. Plus, y'know, we're cooler.

We started off the whole, “let's go down the mountain strapped to bits of wood” and then continued it from there. Yes, boarders came along and showed us what could be done with the whole mountain and tricks, etc. But then we got smart. We took that attitude and technology and produced big powder, all mountain skiing and then rocked it out in the park. Check out any video with Candide Thovex and you'll see what I mean. If you have time, I thoroughly suggest watching 'Few Words'. Great ski film.

'T' is for Tartiflette

A friend of mine once told me (before I started seasons) about 'Tartiflette Tuesdays'. I think they should be a thing. Like, once a month. Not every week – that'd be far too much, but a monthly thing would probably work.

If you don't know, it's a dish you find in the Alps – potato, cheese, lardons and onions. Great shout for the end of a ski day. Ridiculously fattening if not eaten at the end of a ski day.

'U' is for Uniform

Thought you'd given them up at the end of your school days?! Think again. Issued to you on your first day in the Alps, you'll lose items and gain items in equal amounts. You'll be issued all types of branded clothing for all types of occasions. Seriously, some operators are about one brainstorming, board meeting away from issuing you with company fancy dress.

It won't fit you, will come in some god-awful colours and you'll hate it with a passion. You'll be grateful for it though when you end up trashing it through the course of the season. Thankful that it's not your clothes that you are messing up.

'V' is for Vacuum

Your mum will say you've never seen one and don't know how to operate one. By the end of the season you will be a master of the cleaning machine. You will be able to vacuum a 16 bed chalet in less than 20 minutes. You will have perfected the art of looking like Freddie Mercury when guests come back into the chalet whilst you are mid-clean. You will have developed the advanced technique of furniture lifting with one arm, whilst hoovering under with the other. And, last but by no means least… you still won't have a clue as to how to empty the bastard.

'W' is for White-Out

Possibly the single worst thing to happen on the mountain (aside from being caught in an avalanche). It's the moment when you can't tell the difference between the sky and the mountain. You will end up skiing from piste-marker to piste-marker, slower than you ever thought possible.

However, your delightful brain will play tricks on you. You might be stood still and you'll think that you're still heading down the mountain, or the complete reverse may occur. Your eyes will do some weird, crazy shit and the only way that I can describe it is that it feels like you've opened your eyes when swimming underwater – you get those weird floaty things across your vision and you can't tell detail at all. Horrible.

"Let's going skiing in the clouds...", said nobody, ever.

'X' is for X-Ray

If you end up needing one of these you can be fairly certain that it's the end of your season. They may end up being a bit of a trophy as you show off your broken wrist/ leg/ knee/ back to your colleagues, but it's not a trophy you want.

'Y' is for Yellow Snow

Don't eat it. There, you've been told.

'Z' is for Zorbing

Zorbing + Skiing!!! How has this not been done?! And if it has… where is the video?!

Well there you go.  That's my insightful A-Z of ski seasons.  There are a few notable absences from the list, but a lot of things start with the same letter, so there you go.

Won't be long until the end of the season and the last winter blog to be written, but until that moment...

A-Z of Seasons: Part 1

All of my blog posts so far this season have been rants and moans about anything and everything, so I thought I'd inject some positivity and change it up a little. Apologies in advance if that makes this blog post a little shit.

I thought I'd go for an A-Z of seasons. 26 or so points about living in the mountains for 6 months of the year. At time of writing I've still nothing for 'Z' so 26 might be a little optimistic.

'A' is for Après (and Avalanches)

If you're not hitting après after each and every riding session, then you're doing it wrong. Trust me, there is something special about stumbling home in the small hours, ski boots skill on, skis over your shoulder, knowing that you're going to be in work in a couple of hours.

Do it properly...

Avalanches. We had a saying about them a couple of years back... “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. That and avalanches!”. Nuff said.

'B' is for Boarders

They reckon they're the coolest on the mountain and they've probably got a point. Most likely to be found chucking themselves off rock faces or over trees. If not, then you'll find them in the pub, telling anybody who'll listen about their latest attempt at a 'proper gnarly backside 540 over the top wind-lip' (trust me, they actually do speak like that). They are also the most likely not to make it through the entire season due to self inflicted injuries.

'C' is for Chairlifts

You have to get on them if you want to get anywhere in resort that doesn't involve a shitty button lift. They start off with some fancy auto-scanner that will pick up your lift-pass and allow you to progress to the next level. Chances are it won't scan it and you'll spend 5 minutes furiously rubbing your pocket against the thing in an attempt to get passage. In the end you'll give up and climb over it.

Then you'll get to stand in the gates waiting for them to open and allow you through to the actual seats. Imagine the start of a horse race, but with bigger men and a distinct lack of horses. Once you've been let through, you will will stand in a position to allow the seats to scoop you up and take you on your journey to the fairy land above the clouds.

If you're lucky, your chairlift will have been built within the past 15 years and it'll be a nice transition between standing and sitting. Chances are you won't be lucky and the thing will come round at the speed of a thousand gazelles and clean out the back of your legs like an old granny whacking you on the back of your legs with her walking stick.

You'll then have a nice pleasant journey up the mountain (unless it's pissing it down with snow and then you'll end up looking like the abominable snowman when you get off the thing.

The bit in the middle can be quite nice...

Then comes the disembarking stage. Rule #1 – DON'T TRUST ANYBODY. Chances are you'll be sat next to a boarder or a learner and their sole reason for existence (in the next 20 seconds) is to clean you out and make sure the lift stops because you've ended up upside down in the safety net.

It happens, folks. Stay safe.

'D' is for Dinner

Dinner will come in one of several formats – leftover food from your dinner service with the guests. Leftover food from kids dinner (usually home homely stuff because, y'know kids don't like fuss). Some form of sandwich or wrap (grated cheese, ham, and lettuce being a personal favourite). Cereal. Or, if you've been on the mountain all day – a chocolate bar on the last lift before hitting après.

'E' is for Earnings

If you are savvy, you will finish the season with the same amount of money as you started it with. Your wages and (if you're lucky enough to get them) tips will cover you, but bare in mind that a pint in the Alps probably costs the same as one in London (even with seasonaire discount) so you're probably better off drinking at home.

Also, cake. Cake is a fantastic way of reducing your expenditure. Take leftover cake into the ski shop and they might knock a bit of your next ski wax. Take it into the bar and they might give you a couple of free shots when you're next on the piss. Take it to your boss and he might let you off that disgusting hangover you rocked into work with yesterday.

'F' is for Fucking

It happens. A lot. In the literal sense (as well being fucked over by the guests and bosses), which is both surprising and not at the same time. On the one hand you have a bunch of 20 something chucked together into a close knit environment for 6 months – what do you expect to happen?! Especially as everybody tends to get fitter over the course of the season. But at the same time, pretty much everybody shares their room with at least one other, has a shitty single bed and works the most unsociable hours known. Turns out people come up with some brilliant solutions to make sure their wanton desires are fulfilled.

'G' is for G.N.A.R

Or the 'Game of G.N.A.R' if you want to be specific. There's a video about it and everything. If you haven't seen it, you can watch it here. Basically it's all about doing the daftest and most ridiculous of things on the mountain, but at the end of the day having fun. And if you want to have a good season – take G.N.A.R to heart!

'H' is for 'Hiking'

If you're serious about your riding, this is what you need to do. Strap your board/ skis to your back, look at the nearest face with lines on (or not, your choice) and decide that the best use of your time for the next couple of hours is to hike up there, exposed to the elements, with a sheer drop on either side and with rapidly thinning air. You'll be blowing out of your arse by the time you get to the drop in and your legs will be screaming at you, but those lines will be the most rewarding of the season... You'll get to the bottom and wonder why you doubted yourself on the hike.

It always looks less when you start off..

Hiking is what truly brings the mountain alive.

'I' is for Ice

Skiers can just about tolerate it, boarders detest it with a passion and both can agree that face planting the piste, because of a bit of ice, hurts like hell. It usually turns up just when you least want it, causes you to pray to a higher deity and then ensures that your board pants turn a nice shade of brown.

It's also the thing that you're most likely to have run out of when somebody comes in and orders 15 fucking gin & tonics.

J is for 'Jumps'

This can range from little ones that you start off with, right through to those huge kickers that you see on the latest ski film. Most of the time if you are going to do a jump you plan it, however they -can occur when riding – especially when off-piste or riding through slush at the end of the season (you will take off more times that you will care for when hitting clumps of slush).

K is for 'Kickers'

No, not those shitty shoes that your parents bought you when you were at primary school, but rather big wedges of snow that your throw yourself off. They range from little ones that you build with a shovel, through to massive kickers that the professionals build with piste-bashers..

Just remember, if you're going to build one yourself, don't put it on a flat landing. That shit'll hurt!!

L is for 'Lifties'

Heroes of the mountain. These are the folks that get up before everybody else, go and blow up the unsafe off-piste, open the lifts and generally make sure everything for the season.

They've also been known to give people lifts back between resorts, in the back of pick-up trucks, in the worst driving conditions, professing that they are in fact Sebastien Loeb, whilst drifting the thing round corners. I can personally vouch for this happening!!

M is for 'Mountains'

This is where you live. For 6 months of the year. What isn't there to like about that?! You're healthier due to living at altitude (though you are likely to negate that with beer, shots and cake), you have one hell of a commute to work and you have a complete playground at your doorstep.

If you ever start feeling homesick, put 'England' on by The National – sounds even better when sat on your balcony watching the world trickle by.

How would you get bored of a view like that?!

That's it for this blog post – Part 2 will be up in a few days time. However, right now there is a party in the Trailer Park that I MUST attend. Plus I figured you wouldn't want to read all 26 in one sitting. That's like having too much of a good thing in one go.

Till next time.

Fantastic Food & Fanatical Fads.

Truth be told, I started writing this blog post a while back, but tiredness and other factors got in the way of writing (House of Cards is seriously addictive). Today, however, I have decided to come back from skiing, forego happy hour and try to complete this post. It also helps that I've finished all the box-sets that I want to watch (for the time being), the weather is howling outside and I've got Gary Clarke Jr. playing the blues through my headphones.

I also feel that I should also issue a grovelling apology to the assembled masses for the wait that they have had to endure since the last post. It's the sort of apology that Jeremy Clarkson should have issued after the 30-odd seconds of sustained violence he dished out because he had to make do with a sandwich, or the sort that I should have been given by my guests last week when their shitty little kid decided to throw up all round the chalet... “Sorry about that”. I mean it's not as sincere as “I'm sorry”, but at least it's a token effort.

Anyway...

I hate people. It's true... I really do. I don't mean my friends, they tend to understand that I don't see them as part of the masses, so they know I don't hate them. No, the people I am talking about are those that you see every day – down the pub, at work, on the commute to work, on the television, on the slopes, in the fucking shops, the list goes on.

I explained this to my boss when I arrived out here. I point blank told him that I didn't like people and considering he'd just hired me on a long-term basis, this was possibly a risky move. Turns out it was spot on. He hates people too.

All of us out here work in the hospitality industry (good way to make a ski season sound shit, I know), but it means that we potentially come into contact with more people than your average joe. Not just in a passing way, but having to look after all of their whims and fancies. And, trust me, there are loads of them.

Now, the company that I work for has made a mistake. It's not a big one and they probably don't know that it exists, but it's a fucking pain in the arse each and every single week. Since we are (supposedly) a high end company, with reindeer tat filled chalets and massive pepper grinders, we politely ask the customers (before they arrive) if they have any dietary requirements. This is so that the chefs can prep and make any necessary adjustments to their menu plan for the upcoming week. Yeah? Fail.

This opens us up to all sorts and completely pisses on the chefs and their meticulously planned menus (coming up with a menu during dinner prep counts as meticulous, right?).

Is that enough fruit for you?!

I understand that there are allergies and intolerances out there, and with such people it is duly noted and catered for. Some of these people are complete idiots though, but that's beside the point. We've definitely had people turn up and let us know just before dinner that they have a severe nut allergy and are likely to swell up to the size of sperm whale if they come within 500m of a peanut. This can 't be helped and it is important that we make sure everything is sorted for them.

No, it's the other lot that I truly hate. Those that are on some fad fucking diet and have an inability to let it slide for a week. YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY, PEOPLE – LET IT GO!!! Each week we get given our manifest on the guests that are arriving the week after. Each week our heart sinks, our heads drop a little and we spend a good couple of days swearing about it to anybody that will listen.

When I talk about fad diets I mean those that come around for a few months, screw with people's kidneys and livers and then fuck off again into the next issue of OK or wherever they come from. I swear those people that request a “gluten free diet” have only developed the fad over the past couple of years and definitely could have a bit of bread or something.. it won't kill them. Obviously Coeliacs are a different case, but y'know that put that down on their requirements – “Coeliac” not “Gluten Free Diet”.

Then there are the sugar free wankers. Yes, I do appreciate that there is a lot of unnecessary sugar in modern life and if we are able to cut it out then that's a good thing, but a week of eating normally isn't going to do that much harm to you.

My favourites though are the fusspots – they've got nothing wrong with them, they just eat a fucking weird diet when they're at home and they expect us to cater for it when they come away. A prime example of this came a couple of weeks ago when we had a family stop with us for the week. Before they arrived we were sent an A4 sheet of paper of their requirements (that's one side of A4 for each member of the family don't you know) and we had quite a laugh at their ridiculous requests. The pick of the bunch was on the list for the kid - “reduced sugar and salt baked beans”, but further down the list was “ice-cream, preferably vanilla”. I shit you not!! Let's think about that for a moment. For starters where are we supposed to get reduced sugar and salt beans – we operate in the fucking mountains and the selection available to us for delivery isn't great. Think Tesco the evening before is shuts for Christmas Day – nothing on the shelves & screaming kids sat in the middle of aisles and you get the picture. But, they go on to say that vanilla ice-cream is okay for their 7 year old shit. HOW MUCH SUGAR DO YOU THINK THERE IS IN ICE-CREAM YOU FUCKTARTS!!

It's this sort of behaviour that fucks me off. The diets make no sense whatsoever. They are just fads and fancies and will be forgotten in a couple of months.

You're not going to forget this apple though...

This is the thing that I ask – rather than letting people dictate what they want, just ask them if they have any allergies or intolerances. That covers those people that would actually have a problem if they came into contact with a certain food, but also lets the rest know that they can fuck off and eat the wonderful food that is being prepared for them.

Maybe I'm weird though... I'll eat anything. Expect Marmite. I fucking hate Marmite.